p.s. i love you

2006-05-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

caught the movie poseidon with eme and pea last night. very nice show! people out there pls go and watch. the whole process of how the great ship sank is great.

it is vesak day today and u wouldn't believe the crowd out there!! if i had known it would be like tt i wouldn't have gone out. made me so freaking tired.all the jostling and blocking and pushing just made me feel so damn irritated! maybe tt's why i'm so tired now. getting all worked up just eats up all ur precious energy. haha. but then again, my mom brought me along for a shopping spree because sales are on now! oh man.. i cant rem the last time i bought sooooo many clothes! i'm serious! i don even wanna count how many pieces of clothes i've bought. haha. maybe i'll bring eme to seiyu bugis when i see her on sat. see she wanna go or not. hehe all the clothes very nice and very cheap.

going to the temple later to pray. haiz. i would like to pray but i'm so sian now. very tired. and zen doesnt even have to go to the temple! so unfair! haha okok, enough unfaithfulness on my part to my religion. =)

2006-05-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

You are a Lavender Rose

You represent love at first sight and enchantment.

Your vibe: intense and intriguing

Falling in love with you is: deep and meaningful

What Color Rose Are You?

Men See You As Understated

You are an intreguing mix of girl and woman.
You're feminine, quiet, and a total mystery to most men.
Yet they often feel the urge to protect you, even if they don't know you.
You *are* a flirt, but you usually only flirt with those you know well

How Do Men See You?

Your Values Profile

Loyalty:

You value loyalty a fair amount.
You're loyal to your friends... to a point.
But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.
Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.

Honesty:

You value honesty a fair amount.
You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it.
If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.
In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."

Generosity:

You value generosity a fair amount.
You are all about giving, as long as there's some give and take.
Supportive and kind, you don't mind helping out a friend in need.
But you know when you've given too much. You have no problem saying "no"!

Humility:

You value humility a fair amount.
You tend to be an easy going, humble person.
But occasionally your ego takes over.
You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best.

Tolerance:

You value tolerance a fair amount.
You are open to new cultures, beliefs, and ideas.
You have very few prejudices that you're aware of.
And while you are tolerant, you do stand true to what you believe.

The Five Factor Values Test

2006-05-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

women should get this straight: men are not as oblivious to the wiles of a women as women may like to think.

2006-05-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

The Ammmmmazing Thing Called L.O.V.E. !!!!!!!!!

i love my dear!! haha. oh man, the more we're together, the more crazy we are.

ok so there we were today, sitting around doing nth in both our respective houses, with growling empty stomachs because neither of us has had lunch. him waiting for me to give him the green light to fetch me and me waiting for a chance to get out of the hse without having to have another showdown with mom again.

we were chatting over msn when i asked him if he wants to see me asap. of course he said yes. so i made the off-handed remark that he should then come over and ask my mom for permission to take her dear daughter (ya right) out. i expected him to say no. firstly, because guys will usually freak out at the idea, totally understandable. but the idea has always had some appeal to me. donno why. maybe because deep down i feel that it is the polite and proper thing to do anyway, though u don see youngsters in s'pore doing this anymore. *sad case. secondly, because i had once invited him to eat with my family (minus my dad) and he told me he feels scared and not prepared yet. boy, did i totally TOTALLY underestimate him! he was like ok i'm coming over now.

so anyway to cut a long story short, we got the whole ordeal done with and my mom was quite impressed i must say. she likes him.

i must also admit this: my admiration of him has increased by a few notches. hehe. first guy to do this for me. it's also his first for doing smth like this for a girl. *touched. hee. he makes me happy, he makes my heart pound.. ok, that's it! i'm nv letting him go. =)

2006-05-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

i have to earn my own keep.

since mom's already so bent sure that i stole her money, she definitely is not giving me my allowance. how can i survive? i'm already dead broke. and what's more, she tries to take money frm me at every opportunity.

i am really angry and hurt.

she's always saying i keep going out and spending money and don know how difficult it is to earn it. she has no right to say that of me! no right! she just jumps to conclusion. always like tt. this time i am really too exhausted to fight back. i was so hurt and trying so hard to fight back tears, i knew trying to speak and put up a fight would render a failure.

for one thing, i'm always out because i do not want to face her. facing each other is only going to make matters worse. and abt the spending money part, everytime i'm out, i havent been spending a single cent. there's always zen. i feel so bad, so guilty. i nv meant for things to turn out this way. i don wanna depend on him this way. i don want him to think i'm with him cus of his money. it's nv this way. the next thing i need is for another misunderstanding to blow up in my face. if he is reading this.. i am so sorry.. i keep saying tt but i feel it doesnt help! of course it doesnt help..

and my mom, to say that i don know how difficult it is to earn money, that is so unfair. i have done my fair bit of giving tuition before, working my ass off when my schedule has been so tight, she didnt go thru what i did, how would she know how stressed up i was feeling, how exhausted i feel to come home late every night frm night classes, how much i tried to cope and catch up with all the workload. no, she doesnt know. she thinks everything can be done so easily. she don seem to know.. or seem to care even..

i've tried to introduce the idea to zen before, abt me working but he is just so agst it. sorry but love has to take a backseat for the moment. he says he can take care of me. ya right, for how long? it's not like his money is limitless. and it's not like he's my husband or anything like tt. it would be so unfair if i were to lean on him. he is still young..

sigh. all this is sooooo coming at the wrong time. piano exams are just around the corner. oh ya and did i mention? piano fees are due, and coward that i am, i don know how am i going to tell my mom that.. night classes for the new year is starting soon.. i can already foresee the stressful days in front of me.. and this time, i have a bf..

i feel so apologetic to him. i nv meant for him to share this burden with me.

i felt so happy yesterday. i'm always happy when i'm with him, except for a moment when he asked me abt my mom and i almost cried in front of his friends. don worry i managed to gain control over my emotions so i wasnt an embarrassment. sigh. i'm like a puddle of emotions nowadays. weak weak weak! and here i've thought i've succeeded in making myself cold when i was working like a robot before. lying to myself. actually it was just all stored up inside.

tried so hard to convince my mom. i tried being nice. but what do u know.. when ppl already forms a bad conclusion abt you, u being nice just seems to them as ur way of trying to ease ur guilt. so i've stopped being nice. and what do u know, she scolds me selfish..

today she experienced first hand how stupid my siblings actually are at housework. she was going bonkers! finally she knows. she always think they're so smart and that i havent been doing much around the house cus i don have to. that is so nonsense. now at least she knows i can get no help frm my siblings! really, they're a bunch of idiots! can't even clean up after their own mess!

tmr zen will be out of town. i believe it's a relief, for both of us. eases my guilt on leaning on him and heaping all the emo stuff on him. and him being away frm me shld be good. a relief to his wallet. haha. ok trying to be funny here. so starting tmr, i shall go job hunting with Classified and drag my ass over to stansfield college to get my class schedule. no class at MDIS tmr too. yup. all planned.

2006-05-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

i hate my mom for not trusting me.

i seriously do not know where all the money have gone to but i can swear i did not do any shopping! pls. i even tried so hard to live on a budget. i tried so hard to maintain the house. i tried so hard not to spend too much when i'm at the supermarket buying groceries. i tried so hard for everything, all the while clinging desperately to my sanity. and it was all for naught.

she thought i stole her money.

like this morning, i thought i was being nice to offer to go the the market for her. and she made me pay for all the groceries! before she went out today, she even took 2o dollars frm me and her words, "i need to take the cab. 20 dollars out of the money u stole is nth. how could she?? she even made hurting comments that i shld pay for a new hp for her. i seriously don have the money! i don have money! in fact, i'm quite broke. my allowance is only $50 per week! and i still have to pay $130 to pea.. i chose not to argue because i don wanna show disrespect. all the things done and said to me.. it hurts so much..

i try to overlook her suspicions. i try to slowly convince her. i am her daughter! not some outsider! why would i steal her money?! she has been abroad so many times, if i wanted to steal wouldn't i have already chosen an earlier time?? why would i only steal now?? i know all these are just typical arguments but i seriously can't think of what else to say.. i really can't take it anymore. it hurts. i even broke down in tears to convince her, but she doesnt care. she even shouted at me to stop it. what can i do to convince her?

she even said she can make a report to the police and it would be an embarrassment for me if i still refuse to admit it..

i really do not know where the all the money went..

i am seriously heartbroken..

2006-05-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

be very surprised people! i took an IQ test and the results..

122~!

hahahahaha. cannot stop laughing! i am an almost genius! hahahaha. imagine puny little old me, smart! it's so laughable! hahahaha.

zen just couldn't believe it. cus it is said that a score of 120 and above means that the person is very smart. haha. he just couldn't believe that his dear is so smart. LOL. he insisted i give him the link so he can take the test too. haha ok, lets see what score mr. smartass will get then. wahahaha. more updates later!

2006-05-04T23:00:00.000-07:00

caught the movie MI:3 with zen at marina square and i must say, with all the publicity and everyone going on and on abt how great the movie is, the movie fell short of its expectations. well, at least to zen and i. in fact, i found it almost boring! yes.. i can even talk nonsense to zen during the movie..

i was afraid i am the only one who found the movie boring. i mean, so far, i only know one person (and that is me) who finds it boring! so i asked zen, "err dear, you think the movie nice or not?"

and he, being the ever-so-tactful person that he is, replied, "hmmmm. it did not turn out as expected."

there! whew. that proves i'm not some alien without anyone out there sharing the same sentiment as me. =P

2006-05-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

excuses, excuses, excuses. the whole fucking world is so full of them! so full of shit!

2006-05-02T23:35:00.000-07:00

that's the thing abt having a gemini mother.

every moment of each day, you're not sure which twin you're going to face, whether it is the good twin or the evil twin. the dual personalities of a gemini..

upon hearing the news that my mom is coming back today, i fled the house to meet zen. i knew i wouldn't be able to bear it if i have to face the evil twin, on top of the stress i'm already feeling over the house. i did not even attend sch today! that's how unstable i was feeling.

but while out, all i got was a sweet call from my mom, asking me how am i and where am i and to come home early. thats it. whew! i must say i am surprised. because usually when she comes back frm thailand, she'll be in a foul mood and upon seeing the state the house is in, go bonkers and practically hit the roof but nth of tt sort today. weird. must be my good job in maintaining the house. wahahaha. *wink. but i nv wanna go thru this ever ever again! just the thought of going thru all this shit again brings tears to my eyes. i am now practically phobic to household chores.

i dream of another you..
the one who'll never ever leave me alone
to pick up the pieces
daddy to hold me
thats what i needed..

so i went home after dinner and tada! my mom is back, deep at work with all the clothes, folding and ironing. seriously, all the clean clothes are piled up on the sofa like some junkyard! my siblings nv bothered to clear them. when i came thru the door, the thing the struck me abt my mom was that she had lost weight and looked so pale and fragile. then gladness filled me. i realise i do miss my mom. i am so glad she is home. suddenly, all the stress tt i've been thru seem so insignificant. it is not like my parents wanted to leave us alone. they had no choice. it is for work, to support us. my mom also helps out at the temple. now all i just hope is that she doesnt leave us again.

we exchanged kisses. all in all, it was a very nice reunion. i don care if the evil twin of her emerges. everyone has their ugly side, even me. as long as she's here with us, i am glad. she is such a good mother also. she always shops for us and has great taste too! a lot of girls would die to have a mother like mine. hehe.

i love my mother, including all sides of her. =)

2006-05-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

A Bleak Post on Life

sometimes, i can almost understand why some people decide to take the easy way out, by commiting suicide.

sometimes life is just so hard, the going so tough. it is like a marathon, the end seem so far, and sometimes so bleak that you have to wonder, even if u did make it to the end, issit worth the pain?

so some people choose to drop out of the race. yes, along the way there may be some happiness, but sometimes so short-lived, that it makes u pause to think, are those little moments of happiness worth the long long periods of suffering? and when you are at a high point of ur life, where there is so much happiness, that is when u will have the greatest fall. so sometimes, it is really better to rid yourself of all these. to be stagnant, to neither feel pain nor gladness, to be numb, to be non-existant.

they say that if you really care for the people around you, you will choose not to drop out, to perservere to the very end. but who is to say by perservering, you are showing care and love to the people ard you? sometimes, choosing to drop out IS the soln. i can almost feel that at a person's lowest point of his life, he not only feels that everything is going wrong, he can't even do the simple thing of bringing joy into another person's life. instead, what he brings is sadness and sorrow, forcing those around him to share his burden. the unfairness of it all. no one wants it this way..

even if there is love, will it always stay the same? humans are such complex and unpredictable creatures. we are changeable, everything is changeable. WE made it so.

don worry people. i'm not having suicidal thoughts. just pondering the meaning of life. what is the purpose of living.. to slave over ur house, ur career, for the people around you.. what does life do for YOU..

2006-04-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

was feeling all bored and restless and decided to take some online personality quizzes.

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

haha. the babies part may be true. i know most babies and young kids love me. eme can testify this statement. LOL. hmmm i donno abt the lots female friends part though. probably, i guess. i don consider myself as having many friends to begin with. just a few close ones. =) oh well. and here's another. the test to identify which element a person belongs to, whether it is fire, water, earth..

Water
You are 45% Extroverted and 50% Chaotic

Virtue - Water people exhibit benevolence. These type people are charitable, have a kindly disposition and promote goodwill. They are concerned with the welfare of others. Where other people are concerned they are kind, generous and philanthropic. They seldom harbor hostility. They derive pleasure from doing good deeds.

Core - They are cooperative, companionable, hospitable and socialable. They are true humanitarians and are concerned with the welfare of other people. They are called servants or servers because of their unselfishness and sincere devotion to the welfare of humanity. They unconditionally come to the aid of the sick and the unfortunate just as they would for one of their own family, and most often ask nothing in return.

Nature - They have strong feelings and sensibilities. They tend to make decisions based on their emotions rather than by reason. Although they are emotional in nature, they do not outwardly express it. Their feelings are hurt easily but they tend to not let it show.

Drives - They are deeply concerned about the welfare of their friends and family. They also care about what other people think and say about them. An insensitive remark from someone can hurt their feelings deeply, although they may not show it. They give of themselves and their material possessions freely to help a less-advantaged person gain confidence and stature. They will go all out where close friends or family is concerned. It is not easy to make friends with them because they are skeptical and naturally shy. They will be generous and kind to a certain point, but when you gain their confidence you will have an all-weather friend who will stand by you through your struggles.

Vice - They will suppress the truth by words, writing and conduct to do damage to another. This is not spite. This is their non-violent way of getting their revenge. Milder cases include stretching the truth a little, not exactly untrue but not the real truth. They are emotional people and tend to get carried away in the heat of a situation. These people are not prone to physical violence normally, but being of an emotional nature and having the tendency to let things build up inside them, they can become extremely abusive.

hohoho. i may be abusive. so people, beware! =P

2006-04-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

i am becoming such a lazy blogger. posts are getting shorter and shorter.

eme's blog entries put mine to shame. she recounts everything in such detail. one example is our most recent clubbing session. wow! pls compare it to mine. mine is nth!! too lazy and tired to go into the details. haha.

ya i realise i am now happier when i club with zen. because the few times if i ever did club without him, i realise i did not have much fun. i guess i've mellowed down.. no longer the very wild and crazy girl.. i used to be always on the go, so energetic, always out seeking action. but now, i don even wanna be near strangers. i keep my distance. i even feel disgusted when i see groups of guys who are obviously on the prowl while clubbing. hmmmmm. i guess i've changed.

so now zen's away for a weekend cruise, and here i am racking my brains, trying to think of how to pass my weekend. i've thought of studying, getting down to some revision but it's BORING!! maybe i shall get down to do more reading. hehe. i love to read. i havent been reading for such a long time, with night classes and tuition and everything hemming me down. now that i finally have a little peace and time to myself, i want to read. driving everyone around me crazy haha. cus once i have a book in my hands, thats it! i can't put it down. u may say i live fast and read fast. i hate being kept in suspense. so there was eme telling me put down my book to get dressed already for clubbing and me bargaining with her for a little more time each time. hehe. she was going bonkers, afraid of being late for meeting the guys. and there was zen, trying hard not to show his exasperation. when he heard i finished the book today, he was in disbelief. i only started reading it y-day u see.. a novel hehe. and there was my classmate bee, who tried so hard to talk to me and me only giving her like 0.01% of my attention with mono answers of yes, no and maybe until she finally came right out with a request for me to put down my book right now and talk to her. oh man.. yea maybe i shld read during weekends, with nobody to bother me or feel irritated by me. hee. then weekdays are reserved for people day. how abt tt?? hehe.

ok this is a nonsensical post. i can nv really immerse myself in the world of fiction, can i? i may lose my sense of self..

anyway this is the book that i've been reading:

Lover Eternal- a novel of the Black Dagger Brotherhood.
by J.R. Ward

very nice novel. it is about unselfish love. not the very romantic and mushy kind but abt the overcoming of obstacles together, the slow opening up of oneself to another, the acceptance of one another, the trust and honesty between the characters, the art of forgiveness..

being able to forgive is a virtue.

2006-04-27T20:00:00.000-07:00

my naughty boy is sleeping now. poor zen.

we went clubbing last night and slept only at abt 5am and he had to report to work early this morning at nine. so i can only imagine the state of exhaustion he must be in.

even though he nags and is protective, i am grateful for his company. i know that without him, i would not have fun too. i don really trust those guys..

2006-04-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

how can i expect others to understand me when i do not even understand myself..?

so how can i blame you for running away from me..?

anyway caught the movie "Hostel" with zen, eme and pea. gross! i hate the movie! enough said.

so i've come to realise. life isn't the fairy tale it's made out to be. no. there is no happily ever after after you've found ur prince charming. no. there is no such thing as the perfect marriage. no. there is no such thing as no work.

firstly, after you've supposedly found ur prince charming, you're expected to slave over HIM and THE HOUSE, and that's before even the kids come along. secondly, there is no such thing as the perfect marriage. marriage is even more tiring than when u are single., i've come to realise. to keep ur husband from straying (as its most guys inclinations), you'll not only have to make sure that HE and the THE HOUSE is properly taken care of, you'd also have to make sure you're always looking ur best, or try to, for most of the time. that does take effort. thirdly, after the top 2 points, surely it is obvious that marriage is all hard work and hardly any play. the physical backbreaking work of household chores, preparing meals, trying to act all docile and obedient when ur temper is close to exploding from all the stress..

2006-04-23T01:15:00.000-07:00

hmmmmm. had my first dinner with zen's family today, minus his youngest bro that is, because he's currently overseas for attachment. it went ok i guess. =)

first time dinner alr high level of testing. haha. some meat chop.. not really sure also if it's chicken chop ot pork chop. oh man, i must have been so nervous that i can't tell the taste of the meat in my mouth. i just knew it was a big piece of meat with bones at the side. big piece of meat obviously means needs to be cut. when i saw what was for dinner i was thinking, "oh my god!!" i had not expected first dinner to be difficult testing. i thought maybe smth simple like rice or smth.

anyway i think i did ok. like pea said, at least there was so screeching sound of the knife agst the plate or smth. ya la wah liao.. if really have i would just have stopped eating man! wahahaha!

2006-04-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

yup yup! the concert that we girls have been waiting for is finally here! haha.

JJ concert!!

on the 24th of june. at the indoor stadium. stage will be facing north. tickets will be on sale on the 24th of april.

haha i sound like some freaking JJ advertisement. all this info is provided by pea. haha. we really like him!!wahahaha. pea was super excited la. as for me, i i scared i kana electricity again. haha. that time both eme and pea cannot tahan me when i was swooning over weilian at his autograph session. LOL. hopefully i won't be like tt again, though i seriously doubt so. haha. girls rem ah.. try to wake me up when i get lovesick again. haha.

anyway any takers? people who wanna come along with us? you're welcome k.. anyway concert the more the merrier, ya? =) ling.. tina.. alicia.. want?? pea, eme and i confirm will be going. hehe.

zen not confirm. sorry girls. i know pea was very enthusiastic haha. he's really busy so he'll confirm with us latest when the sale of the tickets starts.

2006-04-20T00:05:00.000-07:00

FALSE ALARM! my parents are not back. =(

well, my dad is back whereas my mom is not which means i still have to do the household chores and do the grocery shopping. yup. sounds like fun. sigh..

household chores sucks BIG time! mine is worse than the average household's. firstly, it's a double-storeyed house. secondly, i have a dreadful dog to thank for all the mess, vomit, urine, stench and changing of newspapers everyday. don even ask why i have newspapers to change.

juggling schoolwork on top of never-ending household chores is frustrating. top that up with siblings who won't help AT ALL and who contributes to the mess in the house from the moment they step in after they finish sch and u have a recipe for a screaming banshee.

i can't help it. i dont like the person i'm turning out to be either. but i'm being forced to be all grown-up and matured too fast. i hate it i hate it i hate it!! everyone's been telling me to take it easy but let me tell u this. u think i enjoy any of this? it frustrates me so much that tears well in my eyes but does anyone understand what i have to face everyday from the moment i wake up? no? then fuck off! u dont know what it's to wake up every morning only to be faced with a never-ending list of duties and dreading the mess waiting to be cleared up when u step out of bed. u dont know what it's like to dread waking up so much, in ur own home nevertheless. u don know what it's like to not be able to sleep in late because u got to bring the dog out for its morning walk. u dont know what it's like to know i must do the laundry no matter what bacause no one in ur household would care if i have no change of clothes. u dont know what it's like to know i must have the house clean because i'm having rashes and i know that no one cares enough to help clean the house. u dont know what it's like when the itch comes and i feel all helpless and frustrated. i dont need any of ur cheap comments so stop hurting me with painful remarks!

2006-04-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

i finally know what true love means.

everytime u go away,
u take a little piece of me with you.

i finally, truly, know what THIS means. i felt the same way when u left this morning..
sigh.. okok getting a little too emo again. must really do emo checks on myself constantly so i don fly off the handle again. haha. anyway thanks dear for taking care of me and my siblings. *hugs.

My mood is like a cloudy noon
Waiting for the sun,
Or like a sailing ship that can't
Set sail without the tide.
i fidget with my emptiness,
Not knowing where to run;
Yet when you're near I can't explain
What's going on inside.
It's too bad feelings swim so deep,
Too deep for anyone
To grasp them as they squiggle through,
And take them for a ride.

one reason a person shld be afraid of couplehood and marriage is that it might take away ur sense of individuality. oh man.. here i am, saying this when i'm already one-half of a twosome. ok i admit i'm getting scared. i have a nagging worry that i'm getting more and more boring. this will not do! even my best pals eme and pea said i was getting boring! hmph! like, i don listen to R&B as often as before, i'm even starting to find it a wee bit noisy, i'm staying home more often, usually cus i'm tired. then pea is saying soon i will mellow down, just like zen (they find him boring, haha). Nowadays i don club as often, i'm more 'quiet' and out of this world, and eme even said she wants her sexy naughty bitchy jol back!! *sob. have i already become tt boring?!?! then zen also told me i becoming auntie, nagging and scolding my siblings this and tt. hey i cant help it k! my parents are not around to take them in hand.. u may not know this but i was a little stung by the remark.

anyway so both eme and pea were so happy to hear tt zen is going off, said tt it was time to return me to them. activites are already pending, planned by both eme and pea. LOL. oh man.. i can already foresee that we'll be up to some mischief again. anyway girls.. I HAVE NOT BECOME BORING K!! anyone can ask me out anytime k, it's not like he has to be out of town for me to be with all my darling pals, right? =)

G4 is out of the competition of SuperBand! haha. that's what u call karma. you're a bad person, so don expect to get the good out of society. yes i am mean, but i just hate pretty boys who are even more vain than girls, who throw their weight around, take advantage of ppl and think the world revolves ard them. like hello! no one is the center of the universe, much less puny little you ok?!?! *mean girl jol in action! haha.

today's my father's bday! weeeee! i wished him well of course but i still have no idea what to get for him or if i shld get him anything. hmmmm. now thinking abt it, i'm not even sure how old he turns today. i think 48.. hmmmm..

classes are resuming tmr. night classes are resuming in may and i had made a promise to myself to start working hard and also to start attending ALL piano lessons. yayaya. piano exams are like in aug and i havent been practicing, nor have i mastered even one exam piece, nor all my scales settled. oh yea.. and don even get to the memorising of scales. shit. i'm screwed but i just cant seem to drag myself onto the piano bench. i'm not even in the right state of mind!

ok i shall start anew tmr.. yes tmr!! jol jia you!!

i must be out of my mind, referring to myself in the third person. HAHAHA.

2006-04-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

time passes by so fast. in a blink of an eye, an entire weekend is almost over.

had a very VERY lazy weekend of just pure eating, sleeping and slacking. now that the weekend's over, all the events are coming up!

dad's bday is coming up, this tue to be precise, and i'm still cracking my brains over what to do and what to get him. or if i shld get anything..

my mom has planned a big surprise for him. there'll be this fantastic party with a bday cake. the hotel's already booked and all their friends called up. hope my dad likes my mom's surprise! also on his bday will be a big event. cus my parents donated money to a temple to build a big Buddha. very good for our family, and of course, for my dad and his business. i wanna do all this too when i'm all grown-up. =)

zen's also leaving for overseas on tue. hee. yes girls, tt means i can accompany u guys more often BUT, budget for me pls. hee. like only call me along when it's ladies night. HAHAHA.

school is also starting this wednesday. i have to make this a good and reformed semester frm the last. sigh. i seem to be always saying that whenever sch term starts, right? nth new here. well, i believe the word 'stagnant' should not be in anyone's vocabulary, don't you guys agree?? hehe okok enuff nonsense frm me. =P

2006-04-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

now now now. this is just a friendly dispute girls. hehe. went out with ruiling yesterday and brought her to this place at novena which sells fantastic chicken rice, after which we made our way to shaw plaza for the movie 'Keeping Mum' and some window shopping.

a scary incident happened. while shopping around waiting for our movie time, this crazy guy kept looking at us and following us.. into 3 stores! into guardian pharmacy, another random store and this fashion. even one store auntie was warning us to be careful. it was frightening! he was following us for a long time and ruiling and i purposely stayed on for a long time at this fashion and eveytime he walked towards us, we would of course walk away. then there was once he sneaked up behind us at a corner where we were standing. it was scary. of course we bolted. we just ran all the way up to the cinema even though it was still very early. gosh. i don give a damn la. quite sad also. i have an wushu expert with me and there we were, running away frm a pervert. ling u should have just delivered a powerful kick and a strong punch. HAHAHA.

anyway the movie was nice. interesting story. the took some pics of the movie theatre too cus it was empty since we were early. nice. we hardly see empty movie theatres. haha. then i did ling's nails when we were waiting for the movie to start. haha we bought a bottle of pink nail polish each for only $1!! it's super cheap. and it's not of some sticky lousy quality. it was smooth polish! nice! haha. so there we were in public, doing each other's nails, finishing up for each other after the movie too! hee.

so zen called be once at one pt while i was doing ling's nails in the theatre and ling picked up the call and lied to zen telling him he got the wrong no. there's no such person as jolene blah blah.. haha damn funny. he got his retribution la.. that time he also bluffed eme this way, made her frightened. LOL. and i did not tell ling to do it k! she just decided she wanted to have some fun. haha.

now u know why zen called ling chicken today. LOL. he found out who ling was when she approached me over msn and i told him. haha. so the teasing started. he was just teasing k, girls. hehe. he likes to tease my friends. hmmmmm. so mean, right? LOL.

2006-04-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

i havent been attending piano lessons for the past 2 weeks and havent been practising for my upcoming music exam. bother! i was just not in the mood. so here i am today, determined to turn over a new leaf and be a good girl and start attending my lessons today but alas! a thought struck me. it's good friday, isn't it? so i gave a call to my piano teacher and true enough, there's no lesson today! haha. so it's not my fault! LOL. but my teacher is so mean la.. forgot to inform me..

piano fees are due too. sigh. money money money. i am sooooo broke! no money, no honey. no money also equals to no life. seriously. money is so impt. without money u can't even survive, let alone romance someone wouldn't you say so?

blah. i'm just whining abt money here cus i'm broke! haha.

will be meeting ruiling soon to have frog porridge! haha. it's been such a long time since i had a frog dish or smth. haha. hope it's nice! weeeee!

2006-04-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

how do i pull myself out of this?

many people have expressed concern over the depressing state i'm in. i can't seem to pull myself out of it. maybe cus nothing seems to be going my way! oh gosh this sounds so pathetic.

i want to take steps to solve my problems. for example, i'm still having rashes. i feel so frustrated because i feel so itchy every night and morning. and i'm having low self-esteem because of the marks i've inflicted upon myself frm scratching. i planned to see the doctor today but now, i don even wanna show my face in public, or to anyone else, for that matter. i got stung by smth last night! *sob. on the lips. so now i have a very swollen upper lip. it would have been funny if i wasn't already feeling so helpless. so now i can't even buy food. i've been eating instant noodles for both lunch and dinner for the past few days!! making me feel so sick i just wanna puke. and i've lost my appetite altogether. i practically have to force food in my mouth now.. and i cant finish my meals even if it's just 1 packet of instant noodles. the smell of food just makes me feel sick now. and in order to have at least some nutrient, i've tried adding fish cakes and eggs into the noodles, but all these just makes me wanna puke even more until my stomach just rejects the whole bowl of noodles.

it doesnt help matters now that i'm having my period. double trouble. i feel awful and terrible and my stomach cramps are killing me. but it was ruiling's bday yesterday so i made the effort. i'm sorry girl make u face the black-faced me. i know i wasn't much company. i was hardly talking and didn't want to order any food when i met alicia and her. then when alicia left (she had to leave early), i apologized to ruiling but she, ever so understanding, tried to cheer me up instead. omg so sorry girl.

things did perk up when we were at the arcade. we played many games and one game esp., house of the dead 4. we were screaming and shooting at the same time. what a sight we must have been! =) thanks ling. i hope ur bday has been a fun and special one.

i'm taking a break from my relationship now. i know relationships need constant effort to keep on going but i'm soooo not in the mood of being romantic. i can't. so it's better for us to not meet for now.. i love him too much to weigh him with my petty troubles.

2006-04-09T11:45:00.000-07:00

had a successful budget shopping with eme yesterday. as i has only $10 left, i had to scrimp. i had a McDonalds' strawberry sundae with eme for $1.50, bought the same 'love' ring with her for $2, and had dinner with zen and her. it's quite a feat because i had to practically pinch my fingers and drag myself away whenever i see nice things. saw so many nice clothes and accessories that i wanted.. sigh..

i have not been myself lately. household administration is killing me! i feel so frustrated!! i feel like emptying the whole house of people and the dog so that the house will always remain clean. to top it off, i'm having rashes and i don even know why!! my dad and i had said we wanted to visit the doctor together this morning but he went alone!! just thinking abt it brings tears to my eyes.. hey i was feeling miserable enough already.. but to let me down..

shit i'm getting all emotional again. i want to spend 'alone' time because i don think i'm bringing much joy to the people around me. i've been throwing my temper with zen and whatever antics he does, i don find it funny anymore. instead, i feel irritated. and if he does it some more in an attempt to cheer me up, i flare up. and when i'm with eme i'm always whining.. but when i wanna spend 'alone' time, looking round the house, i'm reminded of the chores to be done!! sigh.. they are like nv ending.. i get even more frustrated and i just wanna run from the house!! i can't even seek sauctuary in my own house!!

it makes me dread to wake up each morning, to each day. tt is why i have been oversleeping these days. i can sleep up to ten or eleven hours each night. and i guess all the sleeping is really getting to my head.. i feel lethargic.. i'm having headaches.. i feel sick.. i just feel like screaming!! and there's nowhere to go.. no comfort for me..

Nobody's Home

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

2006-04-08T00:30:00.000-07:00

zen brought eme and i to east coast hawker center to eat. i was really hungry and so was eme so we decided to binge. and if there's another thing zen is not much fun to have around with, it is when Little Missy (thats me, hehe.) is in a binging mood, cus the guy can't binge at all! LOL. serious. i'm ashamed to say i eat more than my guy. HAHA.

anyway we did order quite a no. of dishes, though not as much as the other time when eme, pea and i were at newton circus. we had wanton mee, char siew rice, mee goreng, sting ray, prawn roll, 2 bowls of dessert and drinks. =)

eme's bringing me out to shop tomorrow. hmmmm. i'm really considering if i shld buy the blouse tt she's suggesting so enthusiastically to me cus i am seriously, seriously BROKE!! i have only $10 in my wallet left and what's more, i still owe her a total of 25 bucks!! ok it may not sound all that much but i really hate owing ppl money! sigh..

2006-04-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

Crazy in Love! =)

my bf is sooooo sweet! gave me such a sweet surprise. came to see me unexpectedly and we sat under the moonlight at the playground, eating the magnum ice-cream he got for us.

2006-04-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

i think i've been taking too much MSG. every meal has either been outside food or instant noodles for the past few days i now i feel so weak and giddy.

the bus ride i took just now almost killed me.

i so wanted to puke and the giddiness got worse. then i started to sweat though it was an air-con bus. i knew the feeling.. the feeling i had when i had fainted once when i was in jc.. cold sweat..

i don think it was entirely my fault. the stupid bus driver din know how to drive la~! keep jerking so much and braking so hard. if i had to puke, it would be on his face!

i thought things would be better now since my mom is back. i've been dreaming of home-cooked food for so long.. but no.. she's bringing us out to eat!! even though she's bringing us to crystal jade.. i know it will still make me feel sick. sigh. out to eat again.. meaning more MSG and bus rides.. oh gosh.. i hope i can take it.. i still havent recovered from just now's bus ride.. and i can't exactly tell my mom i feel sick can i.. it'll only make her worry and everytime u feel unwell, ppl keep asking u why and how come. like hello! do u think sick ppl intentionally cause themselves to feel miserable? and how the hell would we know how come we feel so sick..

2006-04-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the most emo day ever.

zen and i got into a huge misunderstanding. a joke blown out of proportion. cried by myself. hui shan was there to comfort me online and over the phone and after that, i did somemore crying. this time my sis wanted to come into my rm and i thought she would just ignore me but when she saw the state that i was in, she showed so much concern. this is one of the few times that i felt really close to her. but i just gave her a vague answer that it was abt my bf and cried again. i just wanted to be left alone and didn't feel like talking.

before long i fell asleep.

i awoke to the sound of my handphone ringing. it was my bf. he said he was coming over and suddenly, all was forgotten between us. he said he was taking the cab down to my place right now and when i checked the time i realised that it was alr 5.30 pm! if he did not call i probably would still be sleeping till donno when and miss my dinner and won't be able to sleep at night. anyway i was like ok.. then before hanging up, he told me not to cry anymore. i was stunned, but i did not try to deny it. i asked how did he know i cried and he was like 'i know'.

i did not want to look like shit in front of him so i quickly rushed into the shower and after my bath, looking myself in the mirror, i realised my whole face was puffy! my cheeks were puffy, my eyes were swollen. i hoped he would not notice but when he arrived, he gave me a hug and told me not to cry anymore if not i wont look nice anymore with swollen eyes. tt did cheer me up a little.. tt was what hui shan told me too.

after dinner we decided to watch the 2 DVDs he brought over. one a s'porean show, one chance and the other a korean love show, a moment to rem. watching one chance i cried. watching the korean show i cried. i donno why but yesterday my tears just flowed like anything. i just couldn't help it. i was crying all over and almost at any part of the movie until even my bro who was watching with us got so freaked out he just walked away after a while. gosh, i was just so emo yesterday. i have never been like this before.. and zen kept looking out for me, hugging me and stuff and i was apologizing to him, telling him i was just in an unusually emo mood that day and that i'm not always like tt.

i really am not. so there i was, practically crying for the whole of yesterday. was exhausted by the end of the day.

my mom also just got back from thailand today. weeee! bought so many things back for me! my mood is better today.. all's well now..

2006-03-31T16:00:00.000-08:00

went to SIM with eme and pea yesterday and met up with shan for a while. tts nice cus we havent seen her in such a long time! after tt we headed to marina and caught the movie 'the hills have eyes' with zen.

i wanna tell u guys: for those who havent watched it, don watch. it's a gross movie! ok duh, it's abt cannabalism so of course it's gross but i can seriously say i hate this movie! i've nv hated any movie so much. the stupid show has so many loopholes too. just because the people there are affected by radioactive waves then they become cannabals? tts like soooo stupid la! it's so hateful and repulsive! and there's the rape scene too. GROSS!! all those ugly ppl raping her.. wanting to rape her sister too.. imagine the fear, the horror.. no..I HATE THIS SHOW!

actually, catching a movie with zen is not fun most of the time. well, really sorry to say this but he really has no reaction, even at those gross parts and those suspense parts. when i get igitated and talk, he always ask me to relax or shut up. hmph! and he nv covers his eyes, or jump, or.. anyway u get the picture. i'm always turning to eme. it's not much fun watching a movie with a zombie. =P

okok so maybe my bf is not a zombie. ok he's not a zombie when we're watching a comedy. that's when he becomes more 'human'. he laughs a lot. thats really nice cus i like to see him laugh. it's so cute! haha okok i can practically read everyone's mind.. *puke..

alicia, eme and i are making plans to club this sat. and even though my initial plan was to keep it frm zen, i decided i'll tell him after everything's confirmed. BUT well, alicia sms-ed me to ask me abt sat and he saw it. man, was he mad! he refused to talk to me even though i apologized a million times until finally i just gave up. wah liao.. not like i not gg to tell him right. anyway all's fine and well now. just tt he insists on gg and insists on coming along whenever i club and i'm not supposed to club without him at all times. bother! so now i can't club. so when can i club may i ask? when i'm old and hagged? only then maybe, just maybe he'll allow me to? sigh. but nvm. i listen. i'm such a nice and accomodating gf aren't i? =P

2006-03-28T21:23:00.000-08:00

thanks to all! =)

i'm feeling so much better and happier now. have been out and about having fun for the whole of these 2 days. thanks girls.. for giving me such a grrrreat start for this week as well as my holidays. MUUUUACKSSSSS!!

thanks to my babe eme for accompanying me on yesterday. muacks! love ya!

thanks to flowers (well, part flowers to be exact: rui, alicia, tina & monik) for making me laugh so much today. *hugs!

thanks to nity for calling to make sure i was alright, though i did specifically say not to! haha nvm.

thanks to jimmy for introducing me the fun game to help cheer me up. it did! =)

and thanks to my great friends who cared! lyn, pea, mandy..

it was my last paper yesterday and i met up with eme after that. brought her to golden mile for lunch since i had to renew my passport and we had thai food and drinks! hehe.. at tuk tuk kitchen. yum! i had beef noodles. i love thai beef noodles though i'm not really a big fan of beef but the way it tastes is just sooooo irresistable! hehe. yum yum! and eme had pad thai, thai fried noodles. then i intro her this really yummy drink, called tangmo, thai iced tea. upon first sip and she fell in love with the drink. wahahaha. shld have seen her face! so blissful and satisfied. haha. then with our mouths still itchy, we ordered a plate of hor fun to be shared between us. then we went shopping ard and went to the thai supermarket. as usual, i went looking at the instant noodles with a very exasperated eme trailing behind. haha. but we couldn't find what she wanted though. some sago..

anyway she saw some really yummy desserts during our little tour of golden mile and once again, we settled down, this time for her to have a bowl of dessert. haha. she declared it yummy yummy but was unfortunately unable to finish it since both of us were alr too full! haha. anyway glad my babe likes it. =)

then after having finished my immigration stuff, we headed to tpy and after a library trip, we ended up shopping like siao! haha. both of us also donno why.. everything we see that day seem to be soooo nice! haha. just couldn't resist. so i ended up buying a tube top and accessories and eme ended up buying a big gold bag, for only $10!! cheap right! it was on sale. we shopped till we were really broke and both of us had to head to our respectively banks' ATMs. haha. but it was fun! havent shopped like that in a long while.

then today went ice-skating with tina, ruiling and alicia. it was not bad.. just that the MRT trip to and fro was a bit long and we were a little cranky. hehe. it was also tina's first time skating! haha. but she's a fast learner. so we did have so much fun speeding along! way to go girl! =)

then out of impulse, we decided to head for sakae sushi but the buffet was frm 3-6pm.. so we rushed down to tpy where we met monik and ate our fill! haha. we were so damn hungry, we were grabbing so many plates at a go. then that alicia ah.. act know how to use comp order only but actually donno. select items alr then we wait and were thinking how come our order take so long to come. then nvm, we decided to order again.. then ruiling realise smth.. that stupid girl did not click on "confirm"!! *faintz. haha nvm. at the end of the really filling and satisfying meal, we had watermelon and mochi mochi!! hehe! yum! my fav mochi mochi! and what flavours did we have?? also my favs!! peach and lychee. no to the others! LOL. kidding. mint is fine too actually. other than that, then no. =P

we also remember that the last time we were at tpy's sakae was when we were still in sec sch. and it is only now that we were back there eating again. how time flies..

i also bought the liverpool stick-on-the-wall thingy for zen today. was eyeing in yesterday when i was with eme. 6 bucks!! damn ex.. even tina said so.. but nvm.. he likes liverpool. anything that rocks his boat, rocks my boat. =) he'll be back in s'pore tmr too! yea! i've been waiting for him like forever!

i also just knew that there's katong laksa at tpy!! haha. i love it! next time shall try to tpy one.. hope it's good! =)

hmmmm. i feel like catching the movie "the hills have eyes". i know it's a really gross movie but i'm curious. so any takers? =)

i'm also awaiting the screening of pirates of the carribbean 2. hehe.

2006-03-26T06:22:00.000-08:00

FUCK.....

my head is throbbing so much, i feel like throwing up. this has been going on for the past few days and is starting to hurt so much that i've stopped listening to music altogether because the beat of the bass just makes the throbbing in my head even worse and makes my head feel like exploding! it has gotten to the point where the whole family now tries to accomodate me and the house is now always silent, even when my siblings are playing computer games. we dont even watch TV anymore. the throbbing just hurts so much.

the pain in my head has gotten so bad that it is starting to affect my daily life. i've lost my appetite i'm always feeling queasy, i can't stand up too fast when i've been sitting down for fear of blacking out. fuck. i can even black out while minding my own business, sitting down and studying, being the good girl, writing out what i've memorised while trying my very best to ignore the throbbing in my head until suddenly.. plomp! i'm slumped on the table.

my siblings are also telling me i'm crazy. it doesnt help matters that i still can't get to sleep and has now 3 huge and red zits on my face! fuck fuck fuck! i'm also starting to hear really LOUD noises in my head, which is actually making the throbbing worse! oh god.. how come my problems are like nv ending?! when will this stop?!?!?!?!?! i even hear the loud noises in my sleep!! how bad is that?!?! like this morning i woke up from really loud noises and thinking it was my siblings playing computer games with the volume up, i yanked open my bedroom door in a fury and yelled for them to switch it off! my brother was like, "err.. jie.. we put the volume to mute." i was stunned. then my bro was like, "err maybe u heard the neighbour's dog barking." urgh shit.

then in the afternoon i scolded my sis for loud sounds again and my sis was like, "what sound? my game no sound lor." SHIT! and both were like telling me today, "err jie u wanna go see doc? ur headache like very bad and seems like affecting you." SHIT SHIT SHIT. i soooooo did not need to hear tt.

i just pray i can survive tomorrow.. please.. and after tomorrow.. i hope everything will be fine again.. tmr is the climax of the ongoing story.. pls give me strength.. and my last paper.. and some administrative stuff to settle.. i doubt i can sleep tonight.. so much on my mind right now..

p.s. to all my friends, please do not worry abt me. i don mean to make u guys worried. and pls do not call me, or sms me, for now, because just the di-di sound of the sms tone makes my head feel worse. even vibration sets my head off. maybe that's it, i shld really switch off my phone. so don call, don sms, unless it's a life and death situation. if not.. DON CONTACT ME! for now..

2006-03-25T07:57:00.000-08:00

everything's damn fucked up. damn messed up.

clubbing's supposed to be fun, right? it's supposed to make u feel high, right? it's supposed to let u destress, right? WRONG!

i wake up feeling worse than ever. all the guilt.. the yucky queasy feeling of wanting to puke.. my bf being angry with me.. FUCK. what's wrong with him la. i'm still young ok.. i've not yet mellowed due to age like him k..

sigh, excuses excuses. i shall not club so much anymore. clubbing actually degrades a girl, seriously. why put urself in such a vulnerable position? the ones who stand to lose the most are also the girls. so there.

fact #1: there's no such thing as a good guy friend. all guys are the same. they're always on the lookout for a jerk-off.
fact #2: clubbing does not make one feel better frm the stress of life. it just provides that illusion.

i also know i've screwed up this academic semester. so here's my resolution for next semester:
thou shall promise to have a fresh, brand new start next semester,
thou shall be a good student,
thou shall pay attention in class,
thou shall not laugh at my teachers,
thou shall not gossip abt my weird classmates,
thou shall do as many practices as i can,
thou shall do revision of my work everyday,
thou shall practice piano for at least an hr everyday,
thou shall attend every piano lesson,
thou shall sleep early and wake up early,
thou shall not allow zen to consume my thoughts,
thou shall start to exercise,
thou shall not come online so often,
thou shall attend all night classes,
thou shall try really hard to do well for the night classes.

there. jol shall stick by all these rules. serious. next sem starts on the 17th of april. good luck to me. =)

2006-03-23T21:25:00.000-08:00

Beautifully Broken

it seems like yesterday that my world fell from the sky
it seems like yesterday i didn't know how hard i could cry
it feels like tomorrow i may not get by
but i will try
i will try
wipe the tears from my eyes
i'm beautifully broken
and i don't mind if you know it
i'm beautifully broken
and i don't care if i show it
everyday is a new day
i'm reminded of my past
every time there's another storm
i know that it won't last
every moment i'm filled with hope 'cause i get another chance
but i will try
i will try
got nothing
left to hide
i'm beautifully broken
and i don't mind if you know it
i'm beautifully broken
and i don care if i show it
without the highs and the lows
where would we go
where would we go

i think i know what the problem is.

i have allowed myself to be left alone too long with all my negative thoughts and feelings. i haven't been out of the house the whole of this week. and it is already friday. i have the mentality that i should not be out and about at all since my exams are not yet done with. what a mistake! it's driving me crazy! being cooped up all day at home for the last five days.. with nth to do..

i'll be meeting up with eme and pea later. hopefully, being out and about for a while will make me feel better. =) yes! i have to be more optimistic. i know i can't truly be happy yet what with all these stuff haunting me in the back of my mind and not being dealt with yet.. but i will try..

i also sms-ed hui shan to join us. she said she's busy, just as i half-expected. but still, i feel comforted knowing that she does still care for us. thanks girl. =)

we'll be meeting up on monday. hs, eme and i. the thought of us going out and hanging out together again does cheer me up. =) too bad pea is not free cus she has a friend's wedding to attend to but nvm, we'll have other times.

i got a really shocking surprise today too. a bouquet of roses were delievered to my doorstep during lunch time and without reading the card, i knew it was from zen!! it was so sweetest gesture ever done for me! my heart just melted right there on the doorstep for the delivery man to see! omg haha.. i'm exaggerating.. but really. while i was signing the delivery form, i just couldn't keep the silly grin off my face. haha.. i think that must have been my happiest moment in the whole week so far. the message was equally sweet too. hehe. *private.

even though i do love to hear frm zen, i don particularly like it when he calls me on the phone, because he always sound so cold over the phone. i donno why i feel this way.. and reception is bad too, making talking and understanding each other even more difficult.

nvm. words are cheap anyway. i have his 'actions' to keep me company for now. i have chip and the roses now. hehe.

2006-03-23T03:34:00.000-08:00

my feelings of guilt just won't go away..

i feel guilty to her.. i feel guilty for not studying hard enough..

she made me a blue flower today, even asked if i liked it. even offered to teach me! i could only reject.. i have already tried my best to draw away, treating her as coldly as ever. i don wanna be a hypocrite. she will only hurt more when the moment comes. the guilt is eating me up inside. sometimes i think i can't take it anymore.

i'm such an emotional person. sometimes, i wonder how my friends take it. i also wonder if zen will be able to take it..

2006-03-21T21:48:00.000-08:00

my head is throbbing so much, it hurts. i even feel the faint urge to puke. and when i lay in bed at night, the throbbing doesn't stop and it is getting so hard for me to fall alseep. and even if i did manage to fall asleep, it would be fitful and short-lived, leaving me feeling worse-off than before.

i do not know why things are this way. i even feel guilty when i sleep. like part of my brain will urge me to study and that even sleeping is taking up precious time. i can't stop my thoughts. so i keep waking up in the night, at the least, once an hr, but i could like sleep for 20 mins and jerk awake and all this is just so frustrating, it just brings tears to my eyes. and whenever i check the time, i am dismayed to see that only a few mins had passed when i last checked the time. lying in bed now has become such a torture. and thats not counting those scary and exhausting dreams i've been having. just one night of "sleeping" is really draining me out. imagine i have been having such nights since donno when.. i'm really exhausted and i donno what to do..

it has gotten to the pt where i feel so weak and cannot concentrate well on my studies.

anyway it doesn't matter if i can study.. i know i'm going to do badly..

i can't help replaying those exam moments in my head, even in my sleep!! thinking how i could have structured my answers better, thinking how much information i have left out.. oh gosh.. I'M GOING TO FAIL THE ENTIRE DAMN EXAM!!!!! *SOB..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

even having chip in bed with me is not helping..

so many things have been happening too.

zen is in turkey with his family and they just got conned at a restaurant yesterday..

lyn's single again..

eme's displaying weird symtoms..

i have to play a charade all day.. rem me ongoing story? ya.. that..

sigh.. gosh my head is pounding!

2006-03-20T22:54:00.000-08:00

would u hurt someone who threatens ur family?

i know zen will. he once told me his story. did u know he and all his brothers are teakwondo black belts? anyway there was once his youngest bro, who is my age, had to fight agst this one guy during a lesson and this guy ended up kicking his bro in the stomach, causing him pain, and making zen pissed off. he knows it's justified. after all, it's teakwondo. but that didn't make zen feel any better. he was steaming. he was up next agst the guy and what did he do? he gave him a kick in the stomach and a punch under the chin and tripped him so he fell flat on his back. haha woah. the teakwondo master even praised him for his good execution.

this is his story.

as for mine, it is ongoing.

i'd hurt the person, but not physically, unless i really have to. but all the while that i'm doing it, i feel so guilty. i keep imagining myself in the person's shoes.. and i can't help those waves of sympathy that wash over me at times when i'm not careful to control it. but i'd do what has to be done. eliminate the person who is a potential threat to my family, u have to eliminate them totally, so that there is no chance for them to ever come back and hurt u or ur family again in the future..

2006-03-16T17:56:00.000-08:00

he has broken his word to me time and again.

maybe i'm being overly sensitive but i don care anymore. it's so tiring always having to assess my behaviour, so let me be selfish for once.

i need female therapy- my girlfriends! i don wanna spend time with him anymore. well, at least for now.

he'd always ask if i miss him and i'm surprised to realise that i can say no truthfully. i don't. i don't need him now. actually i don ask for much. i don even need a lot of time together, or regular phone calls or sms-es. i just ask for him to keep his word whenever he says smth, and it's not like i push him into giving me promises. maybe he just says things off-handedly but i don take things tt way. u say smth u stick to it. thats for me.

anyway i seriously need some fun now, and that can only be when i'm with my gfs. i've realised that it's not so fun being with him. now thinking abt it, there's not much fun things a couple can do together. talk abt bowling, it's more fun to play with a group of friends. playing pool, 2 people playing is not so fun. blah blah and the list goes on. and i can't go shopping with him can i? yes i'm stupid. i still can't find my way round money matters, like what things to let him pay for and what i shld pay myself.

sigh. this doesn't sound good. any comments on how to spice up my relationship? i'm getting bored fast.

2006-03-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

i feel so disconnected with the rest of the world. does that make sense? whatever i do, somehow i just feel so detached from my surroundings. when i'm studying, it's like i'm just going through the motions of it. reading, understanding, jotting down notes and memorising. when i'm with zen, i'm not really into the mood. just laughing at his antics but not really laughing inside. just talking for the sake of talking, just hanging out for lack of anything else to stimulate my restless soul.

yes, i think i've finally pinpointed the prob. i am restless. i am bored. nth stimulates me anymore..

2006-03-13T03:35:00.000-08:00

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to vent it all out and scream!!! scream out all the loneliness in me.. all the sadness.. all the frustration!!!!!!!!!!! *sob. ok i'm getting emotionally overboard here but i don care!! i just want to sob it all out.. and vent it all out!!!!!!!!!! but i cant!!! *sob. that only leaves my piano. so i played through all the loud and fast songs, venting and venting. but ended up being even more frustrated!!!!!!! i broke a nail and my fingers are burning right now. suckssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

zen just doesnt understand me. really.. sometimes i really think the only person u can trust is urself.. not even ur bf.. sometimes not even ur parents!! i said i wanted to wake up at eight this morning to study. he said ok he'll gimme morning call. ended up he called me at 8.45am!!!!!! bloody hell!! i said i want to study and he doesnt take me seriously?!?! and his excuse? i know u like sleeping so i thought to let u sleep a little longer. like hello?!?! it's my exams already!!!!!!!! luckily i set my alarm.. wanna test him see if he really call.. now i know!!

then my dad went back to thailand without telling me!!!!!!! without a word!!!!!!! i came back from my exams only to find out abt it from my sis!!!!!! WTF!! what's wrong with everyone today?!?!

sigh. maybe it's just me.

and ya.. my paper today din go well today too. *sob sob sob.. sorry ppl just let me cry over here.. even if it's just cyber..

i couldnt balance my cash flow statement.. meaning i think i left out so many bloody items!! then my theory.. i couldn't finish!! *sob. the stupid invigilator was like pens down now!! oh pls.. just a few secs will die?!?! apparently so.. sob.. so there i was.. an incomplete ans..

the other ques din even have time to finish the conclusion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *wails out loud.......... i don care if i sound like a hyhena. i hate zen for telling me that. i hate him!! i hate him for letting other girls call him dear!! i hate him not understanding what things are important to me.. i hate him for belittling me.. for not being sympathetic.. i just HATE HIM HATE HIM HATE HIM!!!!!!!!! *sob.. go awaY!!

everything i've believe in seems untrue now..

and how was i supposed to know proposed dividend and provision for tax is under current liabilities?!?! i din add them in and now ALL my ratio calculations are wrong!! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!! i am SOOOOOOOOO DEAD!! ok only after the paper did i realise proposed dividend IS under current liabilites!! without anyone telling me that i knew!!!!!!! which makes me wanna bang my head even more!!!!!!!! i knew!!!!!!!! i was supposed to ans correctly!!!!!!!!!!!! *sob..

just gimme an F la!! come!! fail me!!!!!!!!!! *sob..

2006-03-11T22:56:00.000-08:00

was upset with zen last night. we were out, together with eme and wei hao. then came an sms for zen and we opened it together. it was from this stupid girl jenna!! i still rem her name k.. and i only read the 1st sentence of his hp but it was enough. it went, "so what are u doing now dear?" WTF WTF WTF!! at that moment i just wanted to turn hysterical.. to do smth.. to trash abt and cry and yell.. whatever!! the first thought that came to me was that everything had been a lie!! that he was cheating on me.. that i was just come play thing. but i said nth. i moved away from him, silent.. i didn't know how to express the turbulence in me..

he also became anxious, grabbing me and saying i'll explain to you dear but i didn't want his touch. it made me feel so sick. and all this happened in front of eme and wei hao. i just wanted to move towards eme and sit next to her but zen held me fast. eme and i took some pics too but i wasnt really in the mood then after that i didn't want to move back to sit with zen but i think he knew.. he help push my chair towards him and i let him.. i didn't want to make a scene. the least i can do is to appear dignified. i wasnt abt to bawl like some child. but i didnt speak to him. i didn't even want to look at him. i was so so hurt! and i keep remembering he's always making me cry..

when it was time to go home.. i considered asking wei hao to send me home instead of zen. he himself also offered because we were at cosy bay and zen just lived down the road. it made sense too. but i knew i couldn't. zen had already begged for a chance to explain.. and stupid stupid me.. no matter how hurt i was.. i just couldn't bear to hurt him. i didn't make things difficult for him..

he told me this girl frm his sec sch likes him. she even knows he has a gf lah but she still don care! thick-skinned bit**!! but what really made me trust him was his rational argument. he said, "dear i'm with u everyday, every night no matter how tired i am i also wanna come look for u.. don't u think it's so difficult to cheat on u even if i wanted to?" hmmm. logical. so i just nodded my head and kept silent. no pt making it too easy for him either. hehe. then he said the sweetest thing.. "dear pls believe me. u got to trust me.. i love you, i already chose you. i don wanna lose u, because you're so important to me now." oh man.. my heart just melted..

weeee! anyway had a happy day today too.. went to a watch shop with my parents and bro and saw this really nice watch. i just commented to my parents that it's nice and they were like, "nice ah.. ok then buy." wow super fast. i was like huh no need la cus i was just saying. anyway zen also just gave me a watch.. i don want like so mean nv always wear his watch but they were like it's nice la just buy. and it's not like $5 $10 like that k.. it was $80!! but it's nice la.. hehe.. next time show u girls..

then i was worried la.. cus i was promised a hp by my parents so i was like asking my dad suspiciously, "i'll still be getting my hp right?" and he burst out laughing, saying, "of course la silly girl." then he told my mom, "haha ur daughter ah.. scared we buy her watch means we don buy her hp.." hehe.. i just had to make sure mah.. =P

i feel so bad to flowers. supposed to have a meet-up with them today but i cancelled last min. i felt so guilty, both to them and to my studies.. but i decided to choose my studies. girls i'll meet u after my exams k.. i miss u girls too.. and this morning i had to go to the doctor's.. have been having a really, REALLY bad case of rashes for some time.. been scratching my legs rotton.. gosh/.. this just can't go on la.. zen has been taking care of me all these while.. really thanks so much to him.. bringing me to the clinics.. this is the 3rd doc i've seen so far.. and all said the same damn thing!! can't tell what i'm allergic to..!! it's frustrating..

ok time to get down to studying. will catch up with ALL my friends really soon ya! muacks!!

2006-03-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

thanks pea for calling and talking to me. so nice of her. she knew i was going thru a rough period when she read my previous entry. she had actually got a feeling to call eme and i thinking that maybe smth was wrong but she ignored her instinct. haha.. now she knows. she says she's just gonna call us in the future when she feels like it. LOL. thanks so much girl. she was just so worried abt us.

yesterday eme and i also met up with monik for a while for my band stuff. so funny. when i first saw monik, i asked her, "how come u carrying a cushion?"

monik started laughing and it was then that i realise it was a 'cushion' to put her laptop in!! oh my! at that moment i really felt like a gong gong. i think hang out with eme too much liao haha! oops.. then eme was looking at me, "oh my god girl i wanted to ask the same thing that u asked." haha..

k then nvm. we made our way to lao pa sat. while monik was away, we took the time to analyse her 'cushion'. there were the letters 'KMP' on it and eme and i were like thinking what does it stand for. then u know la.. eme and i always thinking nonsense. so i blurted out "kpo mother pimp" haha.. i donno why but i was thinking of the rap song.. "motherfu**ing PIMP" haha and i just burst out laughing. eme was giving me that look again and she was like, "hey that was freaky la. i was gonna say that!"

and yesterday was like green day for us. haha. cus monik, eme and i were carrying green bags! haha. such a coincidence right?

then this eme ah.. can really box her face man. we at lao pa sat so many things to eat she don eat. when we were at cineleisure at the foodcourt area, she suddenly say she wanna eat! like what the.. and the foodcourt was already closed cus it was already quite late! and i was like wah liao just now got food to eat u don want, now no food u want to eat!

then we saw someone at cineleisure who looked so much like alicia from the back! the hair was the same also! straight, the same length.. even the same highlights!! serious man.. we were not sure so we walked to the side but only got a glimpse of her face side view but even the cheekbones were the same!! round and high.. just like alicia's!! so i called out alicia's name.. but turns out.. it was not her.. wow freaky man..

anyway eme and i were much happier seeing each other yesterday. hehe. thanks for accompanying me girl~!

2006-03-07T19:45:00.000-08:00

Cancer~ The Crab ~June 22 to July 22

MARCH 2006
General : An uneasy month, as there could be various unsettling events, as well as the presence of low mental and physical energy, which could make coping with the events more difficult. Tussles and issues in marital matters will continue throughout. The respite will come after the 5th of April. Level of energy will be low till the 14th. Your mind could be uneasy and distracted till the 25th.

Events to look forward to : the pleasurable company of friends

Events to be cautious about : Low energy and immunity till the 14th , some fall in status and position, blockages in marriage and relationships, personal problems and unsteady, stubborn temperament, problems in marriage matters.

Romance / Marriage : An unsteady period in relationships, as a basic difference of temperament could peak out during this time. Marriage matters will remain difficult and volatile mostly. You need to work on your unsteady temperament and aggression, as these will cause concern.

had a band meeting last night. in case u guys didn't know, i was from the military band during my sec sch days. anyway there was this alumni meeting up and at first, i was apprehensive in going. i'm not close to anyone going and they had only wanted the top five of each batch to go so u can imagine i can't exactly call my close friends from sec sch to come whatsoever. top five includes the band major, drum major, secretary, treasurer and student conductor. and surprise surprise, i guess many ppl nv knew but i was the student conductor. yes yes, so hard to iamgine me conducting a band waving the 'stick'. even harder to imagine that i could do foot drills, tune each instrument (actually i can't but i've always pretended i knew how to).. yes i know..

so i went anyway since monika said she wanted to go. upon arriving at mr leng's place (that will be my band instructor), i saw familiar faces staring back at me, though some have really changed. for a moment there, my memories came flooding back to me.. i was being transported back to the past.. those torturous days that i have tried so hard to put far and behind me..

yes, it was torturous! we can train up to four days a week, all the way to seven.. and on top of that, we had to juggle studies and homework. Being the student conductor didn't help matters too! i was constantly being humiliated in front of the band by the stupid instructor until i almost broke down in tears right in front of everyone. hello! i didn't claim to be musically-talented u know. and it wasn't like i was academically-talented. so the stress of it all.. is smth i would rather choose to put behind.

but suddenly eveything's coming back. the moment i stepped in, one of my junior came up to me with a jovial greeting, "hi jolene!"

i gave a stunned look for a moment. i rem her. i know i rem, she is my junior! i taught her how to play the clarinet. but somehow, her name just didn't come to me. this was not my world anymore. i was trying to revive smth that has already been laid to rest in me for a long time.. knowing it was useless to try recalling her name, i quickly flashed her a smile and tried saying hi! enthusiastically. she knew. band members are not stupid. she said cheerfully, "u don't rem my name, right?" to which i sheepishly replied yes.

another junior then came up to me. another familiar face.. i can't rem her name again! shit! but this time it was better.. i had some recollection.. pei smth.. i was like, "Pei fen right?" and everyone started giggling at me. turns out it was pei wen. nvm. luckily they didn't mind. if there was one thing we band members share, it's that we nv bear grudges. if we did, the whole band would not have been able to survive. because it is always a system of seniors scolding juniors, punishment meted out, leaders taking control, regardless if u are my best friend or not. this was smth i was not good at, at all! i can't distinguish between work (authority) and play (friends).

sitting among them, seeing them each taking charge, i knew i didn't belong. i've changed too much, i'm more true to myself now, not trying so hard to be smth that i'm just not, not trying to fit into a role anymore.. i'm just not leader material. each has some distinctive quality that makes them leader.. monika takes charge by taking notes..trying to get the whole pic together, jeremy gets everyone talking, sharlene, well, at least she has her fierce ah-lian attitude that makes ppl listen up, yan ting commands respect with her seriousness and carefully thought-out words, jian rong just has a natural aura of command around him, kumar is good at meticulous organization.. and as for me, i just have nth..

on top of being not stupid (surprisingly we can score better than other friends), band members are known to be meticulously their organization, be it their time or schedules. i used to be like tht i guess.. i used to have the drive.. so if there was smth i learnt from being in the band, it is to manage my time better. we have to. better than our friends. or we'd nv make the cut. and to think i used to be able to add piano lessons and piano exams on top of my schedule.. make marching formations.. those days.. and i've come to realise.. i've nv noticed this before but band members are really independent ppl. they makes their own rules, they take charge, they dont take crap from no one.. and none are attached though each are attractive and smart in their own way.. i wonder why.. i was the only one with calls and messages from my bf nagging at me.. making me even more resentful. and whats more, they don seem to be consumed by the overwhelming urge to get attached soon. each are perfectly happy being single and busy..

i've degraded so much i guess. i couldn't even handle jc, even when it was without all the bullshit like training for my CCA.. even my CCA was like slacker.. i even gave up piano.. became so lazy. and i couldn't even handle my studies properly.

and now i'm put in charge of music appreciation. and what the hell do i know abt it?? nth!! and i feel annoyed when JP wants to take over. hello! first u say i'm in charge and now u're taking over? oh man i feel soooo insulted. maybe it's for the best. i'm like so f*** stupid and have no time for the commitment anyway what with me having exams and all.

and now i have to commit to this alumni thing and all. and my studies is not an excuse la. i'm expected to organize my time as i did when i was in sec sch. that means busy days back again!! oh man.. resurrection of those horrid horrid days!!

oh man.. yes i need my friends!! and i shall work on my unsteady temperament and aggression.. i can't have zen running away frm me can i? =P

2006-03-06T02:14:00.000-08:00

oh man i'm so exhausted right now.

my mom brought a monk back from thailand to pray for us at our home and today we had to take care of him. well, my mom has been taking care of him these few days but today is when he came to our house for prayers. many of my mom's friends came too and our first guests came in at ten in the morning! so literally, mom, my bro and i has been entertaining since morning! since i woke up! there was also this ang mo kid, jessica. abt 4 yrs old. really adorable! but u know.. young kids are so energetic, they just sap ur energy.

anyway so after lunch and prayers at my place, me, my mom, her friend also jessica's mom, and jessica brought the monk around. we went to esplanade and clarke quay and today is the first time for me taking the boat ride along s'pore river.. yes yes i know.. i'm s'porean and i havent taken the boat ride when thousands of foreigners already did?! yes, unbelievable!

anyway during the ride, jessica was sitting beside me, chattering away endlessly, which i guess is a typical characteristic of young kids. i wasn't really paying attn but it wasn't on purpose, mind u! the sound of the motor was really distracting, so was the sound of rushing water and what's more, she was chattering in thai! that means i had to double my concentration which, as u may have alr guessed, i wasn't really too keen to do. and when i actually tune in to her questions, i realise she really ask 'nonsense'! like when she saw ppl along the river eating, she asked, "why don't they eat at the boat restaurants instead where it is nicer?" like how would i know right.. and everything she sees fascinates her!! like a bottle floating on the water!! *jol bangs head!

so once when she was chattering to me face-to-face, i just couldn't help but give a huge yawn. i did try to swallow it back! truly i did!! but it was just too huge a yawn to hide so i yawned right in her face, although i did cover my mouth. haha u shld have seen the look on her cute, chubby face! i don mean to be mean and laugh but her expression was really comical. a mixture of shock, hurt and glaring at me. of course, being the little ms 'nice-to-kids', i apologized, telling her how tired i was. i guess she understood because she held my hand.

she's really an affectionate little kid and i know she likes me, just like most kids do. she gives me hugs, she holds me hand, she sits with me, she follows me around, even if it's just a trip to the kitchen or toilet, she'll be there with me, waiting for me.. really sweet.. zen would have loved her if he was were to meet her..

she also kept asking me if i wanted to follow her home to play with her her toys. oh man, she's adorable but i was really exhausted and she talks non-stop! my mom said i was worse when i complained to her. when my mom did not pay attn to me cus she was tired and resting, i would open her eye lids and yell in her face to get her attn. *faintz.. my future kids better not be like that. i kn0w i was a lot to handle when i was young.

oh ya. so today i didn't have a chance to get down to studying.. sigh.. nvm, i did a good thing serving a monk. =)

2006-03-05T01:54:00.000-08:00

i'm like so stupid. i thought that since zen is overseas, he will not be able to log online. so i succumbed to being true to myself. my msn nick was "shit i miss him already.." and i put our pics over friendster.

then i logged in online this afternoon and was so surprised to see him!! *gosh. i freaked. i quickly changed my nick, thinking he wouldn't have seen it since he havent approached me. usually he's very fast in approaching me, within a sec, and thats damn fast!

anyway, turns out that he saw it and he was like wow changed nick so fast? i tot ur nick was shit i miss him alr? liao.. at that moment i just wanted to die of embarrassment! and that was when i remembered friendster!! then he was like why change nick? u shy ah.. liao/.. at that moment i just gave him some crap ans. but he was really sweet. he said he has been waiting for me online..

by the time i knew that he has checked his friendster account, i was ready to die!! but he has already logged off. so i sms-ed him, saying that i was sorry for putting our pics and that i've already deleted them from my friendster account and he replied, "how come u delete?! i don mind at all, actually i like u to be very loving." then he told me he hope we can always be on honeymoon. haha. awwww! soooo sweet! now u ppl know why he melts my heart.

2006-03-04T04:12:00.000-08:00

zen has left for china this morning, and he's nv returning. goodbye! haha kidding..

went out with pea and eme yesterday since late afternoon and we had sakae sushi!! it's like soooo yummy! we havent had sushi in ages! then we shopped around while zen was home, waiting for us so he could meet up with me. i feel a little guilty.. missing him right now but i did not give him much time last night when it was his last night here before flying off to china. oh well, i'm trying my best not to become that kind of girl who's so totally absorbed in her bf that she neglects everything else, from gfs to studies and to other resposibilities.

nvm it's good that he's gone. hopefully i can concentrate more on my studies now since my exams are like going to start in another week's time. i feel a strange sense of freedom too. not saying he's restrictive but when u're part of a couple, the feeling of being tied down is always there. there is more commitment in ur life; when u do smth, u are accountable to someone else other than urself, u sort of have to tell the other person what u have been up to.. quite tiring..

i donno if i'm being over-sensitive or what but i find him more and more possessive. he's always saying don do this don do that, he messages eme to take care of me, to make sure i don do this or do tt blah blah! he nags. *sob. this is not good!! kind of reminds me of my ex!!!!!!!! *PUKE!!

okok ignore me.. i'm being over-emotional and over-sensitive..

2006-03-02T22:29:00.000-08:00

last night was the ultimate. zen finally got to experience my stubbornness first-hand and i had to endure through his frustration.

i was having rashes last night and was walking around toa payoh with my sis, hoping for a chance that there may be any clinic still open. but noooo! then eme called me, asked me how am i and i told her no luck. she told me to call zen and tell him but i didn't want to disturb him. i knew he was going out with his family and seeing how he has already spende everyday of the week with me so far, i did not want to intrude.

then zen called. i was lucky i guess.. i didnt want to tell him anything but in the end i spilled the truth. he knew that smth was wrong. he then came to pick me up cus he told me parkway may have a clinic open. upon calling his bro, we found out that this wasn't the case but we were already halfway there so we had to U-turn back to my place again. this time we headed for tan tock seng, me hopinh that it's not too expensive. but noooo! u have to pay $70 upon registration!! so ex! i only had $50 with me! upon seeing that i have to pay $70, i immediately headed for the door. that was when zen got a little frustrated, saying that money doesnt matter and that he'll pay for me. there were no clinics around anyway but i held firm. it was ex and i din have he money! then he said he'll pay. that's f***king funny la.. cus he din even have his wallet with him for Christ's sake! easy for him to talk. not i don wanna pay also k.. i didn't have the money with me at that moment!

he continued to show his frustration all the way back to his car and when we were finally in his car, he had a minny outburst, telling me in a f*** serious tone, "dear i'm very angry already ok!" like what the f*** he wants me to do la!! i was the one suffering ok.. have to bear the itchiness and not knowing what was wrong with me..

of course i tried to retify the situation. i actually said sorry twice! usually i don like to say sorry when it's not my fault k. but he din answer la.. stupid guy.. i knew he was dead angry.. i was a little worried too.. he has nv spoken so harshly before or looked so angry before.. so i just kept quiet..

we headed towards thomsom and i was on the phone.. forgot eme or pea anyway i did talk to both of them but i neglected to tell him to turn into thomson medical centre.. oh man.. u can imagine that didn't help improve his mood. we missed the turn and off we were, going towards MacRitchie. there was nowhere we can U-turn also and that really got him f*** pissed! he told me in a serious tone, "dear put the phone down now."

we were lost la. din recognise the road and before we realise it, we were heading towards bishan and ang mo kio. f***. luckily eme told us there's a 24-hr clinic near her place. thanks girl. we have been driving around with no place in mind la. then he asked me, "do u know how to go to eme's place from here?" we were at AMK already. i said no meekly. duh!! i was lost la.. and he too.. man, at that moment the tension was high man, both of us frustrated and my sis keeping quiet at the back. luckily we found the CTE to AMK. cus from there we know the way to eme's place. by the time eme met up with us, we have cooled down sufficiently already.

the doctor even thought eme and i were sisters! haha so funny. i had to get an injection too. damn. i didnt want to actually.. i'm freakish abt needles. yikes!! but upon persuasion on eme and the doc's part, i conceded. damn but it hurt la! but nvm.. at least the night has come to an end. if not i think zen will continue being pissed off at me la.

but have to thank him la. i know his frustration was due to his worry for me. and he did take such good care of me for the night.

2006-03-01T20:45:00.000-08:00

weeee! i passed my final theory driving test! my second attempt. after that met up with zen for a date, while eme was at the gym working out. hmmmm miss this girl of mine, but she didnt want to be lightbulb la hehe.

zen's so nice. he was afraid to keep me waiting so he came straight from work, and there i was, all ready to have to do some waiting so i was taking my time, missed one train, talking to eme on the phone, slowly walk.. and alas! he reached ps before me. wahahaha! *evil. but i don like to be waiting la. who likes waiting man? he din have to wait long also la.. just one min.. hehe bery good!

he brought me to this place to eat, called the fish market. it's like sooooo yummy!! next time i shall bring u girls go eat! even nicer than fish and co. and the ambience and music playing is really fantastic! great!! we shared this platter for 2. hehe yum yum!

but my dear also very naughty la.. teasing eme and i again cus i was still on the phone with her when i first met up with him. hearing that we were going for sushi during the weekend when he won't be around, he suggested that i and him go have it now so that by weekend when i am supposed to have it again, i'll already be sick of it!! haha so mean right!?! that got eme cursing again la.. haha..

after the dinner while waiting for our movie (we were watching Underworld: Evolution), we hung out at mos burger, just hanging out and being comfortable. hehe. shoooo nice! reminds me of that time when eme recommended a coffee bean brunch to us, saying how nice it was to just chill out there and zen gave her an outrageous reply, saying that if we have time we wouldnt want to waste it chilling out also.. rather spend it *ahem.. haha so funny! that got eme and i shocked man! LOL. eme kept cursing wa liao.. haha! anyway while at mos burger i suggested we take some pics. hehe. we took some really cute ones!! hehehe. and we happened to see a lady dressed in a kimono walking past! zen was giving me a weird look and he suddenly burst out laughing, saying, "who the hell wears a kimono walking ard orchard? and isn't it too warm? so many layers.. rem the memoirs of a geisha when the guy wanted to molost zhang ziyi and undressed her? have to take out so many layer.." haha.. the way he said it is so funny la..

then we made our way to the arcade and he accompanied me in car racing again.. i'm not good at it anymore.. and i always lose!! urghhhh!! but he still continued playing with me. hehe. then came his game. he likes to play this cute shooting game and when he finished the game, he typed the name "ZLJ" and when the screen showed the ranking, it showed "ZLJ" as first in all! wow!! *proud of my dear. hehe. i have to say he's really good at shooting la.. both as in literally and also of the mouth.. haha.. really know how to shoot ppl man! so anyway i was curious.. why "ZLJ" and replied, "zen love jolene ma.." haha. *touched. and we're the 1st! wahahaha. woo-hoo!! =P

anyway the show Underworld is nice.. recommended to watch hehe.. but for eme be careful who u go watch with again eh.. cus got sex part again wahahaha! i remember Derailed.. haha.. eme was soooo uncomfortable.. LOL!

2006-02-28T04:52:00.000-08:00

ahhhhhhh!!!!!! someone knock me in the head please! i'm like so bored to death, i actually logged onto friendster and mass wrote testimonials for friends! 3 at a go!! i'm really crazy.. all write nonsense somemore! haha. wrote for eme, pea and my classmate sharon.

wow and this is the first time i rem being alone for the day man, i mean, not seeing my dear. but then technically again, it's not yet 24 hrs since i did see him this morning! now thinking abt it, i cant rem the last time we lasted a full day without seeing each other! and before one day can actually pass, i think we'll see each other again.. like tmr night. oh man! like the other night when i was clubbing, i did see him that day in the morning too so ya.. we havent lasted a day without each other.. oh man this is sticky.. haha..

wonder how we're gonna survive when he goes to china this sat. hmmm..

and my dear is so mean. the other time while we were online he already made pea wanna kill him. haha this time when u girls hear this, it will be eme's turn to wanna kill him haha. i was telling zen that i wanna at least know how to play tennis and he started laughing at me, said i look more like i dancing ballet than actually playing tennis. like what the f*** la! hmphf! stupid dear! then he was like saying luckily i din team up with eme, because that time when we played, i teamed up with pea and eme teamed up with zen. i asked why and u know what he said? he said one cant even hit the ball ( meaning me la!!) and even when can hit hit until so light while the other one ( meaning eme haha!) hit so hard until all the balls bounce so far! haha. oh man.. he's really mean la!

i actually forgot i have to take the final theory driving test tmr. oh man.. how dense can i get? luckily i listened to zen. in order to be more organized in my management of time, he suggested i keep a time book to record my schedule and i did. upon flipping it today only did i realise i had the stupid test tmr! i think i'm gonna fail again.. shit! and when i told zen tt i only remembered upon flipping my time book, he laughed and said, "dear the time book is for u to check ur schedule.. but not check at the last min!!" then he started laughing again. like what the...!! so i defended myself! (duh! then let him bully for free meh? hehe) i was like.. cus i take one day at a time ma.. if today then see tmr's schedule and so on lor.. haha he really cannot tahan me when i said that! LOL. one pt for me. wahahhaha.

he also damn kpo la. wah now even learn how to go through my cupboard liao. and he saw this purple top i have.. quite low cute and transparent one.. hmmm donno eme still rem or not and he was like wah wear this go where huh? and i was like haiyoh i don wear it anymore la.. then he started picking out all my long-sleeved tops and putting them against me and saying i shld wear them more often.. dotz.. and i was like, "hey i'm not a nun la!" and he was like, "yes u are.. u are my nun.." *rolls eyes man.. really nth to say..

hehe okok back to work!! exams coming..! oh man.. 13 days to my first paper!!

2006-02-26T00:36:00.000-08:00

i'm physically, mentally and emotionally drained, literally. but it's been a fun weekend.

had a girls' night out last night with eme, pea and alicia at MOS. took lots of nice pics too! including some funny ones, candid pics that i took, hehe.. very funny.. and really eerie ones, due to the 'unnatural' lightings haha. pea even took one random one, just a snapshot of an overview of the r&b dance floor. haha so funny! all the shocked faces staring back at us really gave us the giggles! but last night was one of our most sober nights ever! we were not even high! maybe cus we only had one drink. we even went to the retro room to dance! gosh.. who would have thought that we'd ever?! haha. took some real funny videos too while we were there dancing. then eme and pea came 0ver to my place to stay. i cooked them supper. hehe. korean instant noodles of spicy mushroom and eme loved it so much. so nice to see my effort so appreciated hehe. seriously.. i'm beginning to think that the only talent i have is cooking nice instant noodles sia.. sigh.. which is sad. anyway so we watched a little tv, listened to a little music, talked, and slept around six in the morning.

alicia and pea also kept insisting that eme and i are starting to resemble one another, in looks, in the way we talk and even the sound of our voice, saying we sound alike. dotz.. and eme and i were there, insisting that they were wrong! hmmmm but after looking through some pics, finally even we have to admit that there is this tiny weeeeeee-ny resemblance. hehe. fine fine, we concide defeat.

haha. and eme was telling us how lyn was whining and complaining back in australia because she can't join us for the fun last night and also for the shopping sprees we've had so far without her. haha. don worry lyn. u'll be back soon. =) rem *blink blink?? LOL.

p.s. thanks a lot to the people who have cared so much for me. don worry, zen and i are fine. i know he loves me. =)

2006-02-23T07:37:00.000-08:00

he doesn't love me.

the whole scene is playing again, similar to the first time he declared that he didn't love me. at my place, in my room.. the only difference is that this time, i do not have eme with me..

i feel so sad.. i want to ask him why..

i even made a bigger fool of myself as compared to the other time because this time, wanting to hear some response from him, i said "i love you" twice! i put down my pride.. but in the end, i got nth.. just a reassuring pat on the arm, and then he promptly fell asleep!!

i want to ask him did his past ex really hurt him so much tt he cannot say the words to me? if so, why wont he tell me? doesn't he want me to understand if he really cared for me?

now the sudden thought that i'm spending time with someone who doesn't love me makes me feel so numb and cold.. it makes me ill..

and i did what i had done again. i ran away to escape him by leaving my room.

i still have to spend tmr with him and suddenly, i dont want to. i don wanna waste my time anymore on someone who doesnt reciprocate. it hurts.. it really hurts to love someone.. to give ur all.. even ur time and patience.. and find out that it doesnt count and it doesnt matter.. in the game of love.. u play u win, only to lose..

2006-02-23T04:04:00.000-08:00

weeee! fun times coming up! that is, before i seriously hit the books for my exams which are just around the corner.

met eme today for a little shopping and meeting pea, eme and zen tmr night for the live band at wala wala and finally, clubbing on sat night with pea, eme and alicia. hehe. weeee! fun!

eme and i are also planning a little house party at my place. hehe. a little drinking, a little gambling, a little R&B music, a little havoc.. haha.. a little bit.. =P

weeee! fun weekend. hopefully by this coming monday, i'll be able to seriously hit the books..

2006-02-21T01:35:00.000-08:00

everything we have shared, everything we have, seems like a dream. he's my secret life and in reality, he does not appear. but while lying in bed all alone, i catch the scent of his perfume, and i know that it is coming from the flowers he had given me that i've had placed on my desk. then somehow, i know that he's not just a dream. that he's real, just not in front of me at the moment. sometimes, i still can't believe that we're together.. my baby..

only the physical things that he's given me reminds me constantly that he's my man, and that i'm not dreaming.. the sight of the flowers on my desk brings to mind the sweet memory of him giving them to me and his sweet scent still lingers..

p.s. he did not delete his testi for me. =)

2006-02-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

everything's going well for us except for one thing!! the stupid guy actually wrote a friendster testi for me and today, he deleted it!! dotz man.. i was thinking maybe cus he feels it's not good enough because before i realised what he has done, he told me, "the testi i wrote for you is so simple, you'll have more and more from me in the future k".

the phrase "in the future" also sounds ominous. i know i'm coming across as being ridiculous but it's true. reading the testi he wrote for his ex when they were still together, in it he says "u must take care of urself when i'm not around k. it's only for the time being. i promise to make it up to u in the future", he wrote smth of the sort. and what's their future man? they ended up breaking up!

i'm also so afraid. i'm already giving so much of myself. like yesterday he was talking abt smth and i was replying him as if i were in the role of his wife!! and he was teasing me! shit. this is not good! my exams are also coming up. all the more reason i shld start distancing myself already!! gosh.. where's my pride.. my dignity.. stupid girl!! *knocks myself in the head.!!!! i'm like so f***king transparent in front of him la. what's wrong with me?!?!

yesterday, or to be more precise, last night, we went out with eme and wei hao, her latest beau. he's alright la. from what we saw, a gentleman, down-to-earth..

eme, zen and i first had dinner at swenson before wei hao came and had dessert. we also caught the movie the fog. quite nice. it was also my first time watching a horror flick with zen i realised. now he knows what it's like to watch a horror show with me. haha. he cannot tahan man. there i was being all scared and gan jiong and he was just sitting there, even yawning a couple of times!! totally opposite of me. *bur..!

we also bumped into zen's sec sch friend. they were fellow track and field atheletes. i walked away to give them privacy but zen waved me over and introduced me to his friend as his gf. wow. i didnt think he wanted his friends to know i'm his gf cus we're have not been together for long and all but i'm still touched all the same. hehe.

eme also told me smth that totally TOTALLY pissed me off!! stupid J told his gf he danced with me and that we were dancing closely. WTF man. what's his prob? and it definitely wasnt because of guilt that he felt the need to confess. his tone was such that he wanted to rail his gf and make her jealous, or so it seems. so pissed!! what if she really went hysterical and is waiting to kill me instead?!?! what a selfish b**tard! there's also more to it..

i ended up confessing to zen also. i was so upset. and part of me already knew he'd understand. it was just dancing anyway. also, i don really rem but i think we were not yet together at that time, or maybe we were but were still not close yet. i told zen abt what a jerk J is and he told me to stay away frm him in the future. duh. i don need him telling me that.

2006-02-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

v day was purrrr-fect! hehe. i was actually feeling all gloomy. i don know why but everytime a special event comes, i feel down instead of excited abt it. same goes for my birthday. always like tt. don know why also.

anyway all turned out well! he picked me up frm my place and we went shopping together for groceries. we decided not to fight the crowd on v day's so we're cooking dinner at his place instead. hehe. first time cook with a guy. the feeling is soooo nice! so homely. watching him busting round the kitchen, being the man of the house, gives me such a feeling of intimacy and security. i really love this guy..

luckily i bought smth for him. a bear.. holding a gold heart and a champagne bottle that says 'lots of love frm me to you'. hehe. when he saw the bear he started laughing and said he knew why i chose the bear- so that it will remind him of me (he knows i like alcohol). haha smart guy! he made me 3 flowers. wow i was so touched that he actually bothered taking the time to make for me. and the thing is, even though i know he loves me, he isn't the sentimental sort of guy who keeps whispering words of love. so to know that he has done this for me was really really touching!

i wasnt expecting it. duh~ when i entered his room, he brought me over to his comp table and stood me right in front of the flowers and asked me if they were nice. not believing it's for me, i said yes cautiously until he told me they were for me. he asked me if i liked them. of course!! i was melting already. then i asked him why 3 flowers and he gave me a skeptical look.

"you donno honey??"

"no i dont. why?"

"3 flowers means i love you!! gong gong!" and he started laughing at me. my naughty baby..

he also gave me another secret gift. hehe. secret!

then we went for a romantic late night swim. hehe. we swan together, at times swimming side by side holding hands. and i learnt smth. all those movies of romantic kissing underwater is all bullshit! u cant kiss underwater! u'll end up breathing in and drinking water instead!! i just didnt want to believe it! so i told zen we shld try all ways, kissing first before going underwater, or going underwater first then kissing.. all attempt din work! so it is concluded.. u cant kiss underwater!

we make each other so happy. we are really similar sometimes. we care abt pleasing the other party more than ourselves. we always end our days together asking each other if the other is happy or if the we like what each other does..

really miss my eme too. hehe. just got an sms from her saying she misses me too. wahahaha. glad to know she's happy. dating a potential prince charming now. LOL. hope all goes well for my pretty babe!

2006-02-10T02:43:00.000-08:00

my mother painted such an ugly picture abt the relationship between men and women. she said to understand a man, u have to first observe a dog. she used to have a male dog in thailand which disappeared for a long period of time which finally came home. she later found out that it was because it had found a female dog outside and it was only after it got the female dog pregnant that it came home. a man is like a dog, she said. u make it difficult for him, u don give him what he wants, and he'll keep coming for you, following you, pestering you until u yield. once he has gotten what he has come for, he's out the door.

what an ugly picture. hello! i am in love, i don need such things to bring me back to earth..

ok i'm lying. yes, i'm in love, which makes it all the more reason for me to be more aware of reality, to come down back to earth.

2006-02-08T21:09:00.000-08:00

lyn has gone and i feel so sad.. and bad.. i was not properly there for her.. i think neither of us were. all of us got home so dead tired and a little too tipsy and her flight was early this morning.

we were celebrating lyn's last night here at MOS.

my dear has been a good sport all the time. he took care of us, he saw us home, he made sure all of us were safe. i also forgot to mention. he met J last night! J, who has a gf and had flirted with me. actually more like mutual flirting and i feel so bad because now, both J and i know both our partners respectively. i feel so guilty at that time when they were introduced, like i was cheating on my bf, and making a fool out of him by innocently introducing them. omg.. even though i was tipsy, it did not diminish the feelings of guilt in me. i was fully aware of what was going on.

annhui was saying me cheeky and naughty. ya right. look who's calling the kettle black man. he was also kissing my friend and holding my friend's hand! and the thing is, both my friend and him are attached!! made my friend feel so guilty. it's like the same thing replaying, just that different actors are performing.

my dear also saw what was happening. when we had our time alone, i asked him what he would do if he caught me kissing another guy and he said he'll kill me. i asked twice and his answer was still the same.

we argued a little this morning too cus he was angry abt my conduct last night. i was pissed off at him last night cus he din call me dear and i pushed him away when he tried to get to me. he told me he was hurt. well i was hurting too. but nvm. all's forgiven..

2006-02-06T22:39:00.000-08:00

ok my dear has already met my mom and she approves, not that i introduced him as my bf. we've been calling, sms-ing, msn-ing and meeting each other everyday and every free moment, that i'm so scared either of us will start getting bored soon, assuming neither of us dies from exhaustion first. ok back to work.

2006-02-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

i'm in heaven. my god, is this what true love really is? if it is, then i can say for sure that i've never experienced it before. this is bliss. he takes such good care of me.

sigh. but there are things intruding into my perfect love life. life includes everything, from work, to commitments, to responsibilities. sigh. work is crazy. i have 3 assignments due., my night classes are ongoing and so are my piano lessons, my final theory test is tmr, my piano exams are coming up, i havent settled things with my ex-student and! thanks to my mom, i now have to give tuition too! i gave up already actually, so proud of myself for giving up at least one commitment and having more free time in my hands. but noooooo! my mother had to ruin it all by telling her friend i give tuition and offered my help (!!!) to help her friend's daughter! *sob. so it was all for naught!! noooooooooooo! i feel like screaming!! i feel like scratching my hair out! and now the timings all overlapping and it's driving me crazy! i have to give tuition on tuesdays and thursdays 3-4.30pm and tmr, my driving test starts at 4.30pm! and what's more, i havent studied for it yet! and thur, i have sch till 5pm!! where in god's name am i to find the time to give tuition? my trainer at the gym is also pestering me to work out. yayaya.. i have no time!! and where's the time set aside for my honey?!?!?! *sob sob sob..

2006-02-02T19:46:00.000-08:00

The 5 Random Things & Other Mundane Issues Post

oh well i just i just have to do this since a certain someone (*ahem) gave me the honour of tagging my board. right charlotte? LOL. ok here goes.

Rule 1: List 5 random or weird things abt yourself.

1st thing: i can be so polite that more often than not, i end up irritating myself with my oh-so-sweet 'thank-yous'. Close friends of mine get irritated too. oddly, my bf doesnt complain.

2nd thing: i get excited when i watch scenes of intimacy, which is pretty sick. LOL. i don mean porno. i mean those intimate scenes even on PG.

3rd thing: i used to get zeros for all my "ting xie" (chinese spelling tests) when i was in Pri 2. i nv bothered with them.

4th thing: i suspect that there's an unfaithful streak in me. it doesnt matter if i'm single or attached or if the other guy is single or attached, and it doesnt matter to me how much i love my guy. when i see a challenge, i tend to want to get my way. and did i forget to mention? eme's friend annhui told me right to my face that i was selfish for leading guys on. to me, everything's just a game. it's not love. it's the thrill of the hunt. haha omg i sound so sadistic!

5th thing: i sometimes bear grudges. things that have happened a long time ago and ought to have already been forgotten, and which has most likely have already been forgotten by the offending parties is still vividly remembered by me. so don mess with me. LOL.

well i guess u guys din know all these stuff abt me did cha? =P

Rule 2: List 5 people u want to do this quiz.

alicia, ruiling, shan, tina, lyn.

Rule 3: Leave a comment "You're Tagged" on their blog and ask them to check ur blog for details.

yup, sealed and done! haha.

2006-02-02T08:23:00.000-08:00

i'm in love!! omg i've fallen, and fallen so fast, i nv knew what happened until i've hit the ground!

he took me to dinner at a jap restaurant and took such great care of me. i kept saying thank you until i was so tired of it, even if he's not. towards the end of the dinner, i was telling him: "dear can u pls don take care of me so well? i feel so embarrassed." and he was like no what and slowly, he began asking me more questions abt my ex, feeling that i havent been treated well enough in the past. i didn't talk much abt the past and that was when he said smth that made my heart melt. he said nvm the past was ur hell, i'll be ur heaven now.. OMG!!

met zen's parents today too, or rather, his whole family. felt so embarrassed. they gave me quite a big ang bao too. as in, not the size but the amt. (duh!)

then tmr meeting some of his friends for his birthday celebration.

everything's suddenly moving so fast.

i just hope i wont embarrass my dear tmr.

eme also had a date today. LOL. she was so freaked out abt it but even she had to admit that the guy is a romantic, a courtship style u don see nowadays, that will still make any girl's heart flutter. not that i care. LOL. i love zen. as he said, in his own words, u are mine and i am yours..

omg do u see that puddle of water? that's my heart.. it has melted..

ok i'm lame.

2006-02-01T18:26:00.000-08:00

wow these few days have been really tiring. all the visiting to be done during chi new yr, going to temple, praying to our ancestors..

then bee, pea, eme and her bro came to my place on tue, and after that eme, her bro and i made our way to annhui's house where we also met meska and her bf and her bro, joanne and joshua. wih the exception of joanne, all of us made our way to a haunted mansion for some adventure, hillview mansion.. i was telling zen's how scared i was and he told me he wished he was there with me. i wished it too la. (eme shld know y, so that someone unwanted will stay far away!). and he told me next time go pls go on weekend then he can come along. cus he has work on weekdays (duh!) so he can't come.

eme and i has joined a pageant and we just got a call y-day to turn up this sunday for a road show!! omg. this sunday also happens to be zen's birthday. zen says he wants to come and support me. so sweet. actually i don expect him to. if there's one thing i've learnt, it's nv to expect things from anyone. i don expect him to come and i don want him to come. first, i'm afraid i won't dare to be myself if he's around. and secondly, it's his birthday! i don wanna be so selfish as to keep him with me the whole day. he'll be bored too. i'd rather he celebrate with his friends first before meeting me. he told me to go shopping for nice clothes too, and that he'll sponsor. LOL. that was really sweet of him. but i declined the offer. i'm not that kind of girl, and i don want him to think that too.

anyway i got him a towel for his birthday. any comments?? anyone can just gimme their comments ok? i wanted to just get him smth which wasn't too mushy and exaggerated. i mean, we only just got together. so a towel seemed right. casual but at the same time suggestive of a little intimacy. hehe.

2006-01-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

happy chinese new yr to all!! haha so happy! first zen called me, then the girls called me for a phone conference countdown haha. lyn, eme and pea. haha. even though it was thru phone, we each had the tv tuned on to channel 8 and the feeling was really there! haha thanks girls! and thanks for the reminder.. *ahem.. heng sia.. i almost missed the deadline. if i did, i know i'll nv be able to forgive myself.. and when i threw it.. i wished to be with zen forever.. for him to love me more than i love him.. hehe.. i only remembered the last min, when it was already 11.35pm!! lucky i got dog.. then can give the excuse i have to walk it to go out.. heng!!

sigh.. i donno the plan for zen's birthday, which is on 5 feb.. i also donno the plan for 14 feb.. donno if he even wants to ask me out on that day.. already got someone beat him to asking me.. BUT *puke.

2006-01-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

was with eme at cineleisure when we saw this really disgusting scene. a couple of sec sch students who just couldn't keep their hands off each other, even in public! where's their shame, their dignity, their face?? the guy had pulled the girl to the side and was stroking the girl there before putting a hand under her skirt to feel. so obscene!! in full view of others too! *puke. and the girl's reaction was so disgusting. she was giggling like so "bimbo" (open inverted because i don think she even has the looks to qualify. sad.. no looks and no BRAIN!!) and saying in that disgusting voice of hers for the guy to stop it. then they continued on their way. *puke puke!! everyone could see that it wasn't loving but disgusting and obscene!

i havent been in a good mood nowadays. emotions have been like yo-yo, up and down so fast, for no apparent reason.

i know i'm thinking too much but i've been thinking, what if i allowed myself to give up on zen? will i look back in the future and think abt how stupid i was to have allowed such a good catch to escape? or would i be happier in the future, looking back and thanking my lucky stars that i've allowed myself a greater chance to happiness? i know life's not a fairytale or novel, nor am i so heroine in a great story, where happily ever after is when prince charming proposes. i know life is not like tt. i donno.. maybe i'm just hoping for smth more.. maybe a romance that can sweep me off my feet.. for an exploding passion.. i donno.. i know i'm idealistic but really.. issit a lot to ask?

i had a bad dream last night. i fell asleep feeling upset last night, because i havent heard from zen the whole day, and i wasn't going to be the one making the first move. i dreamt that i woke up to his sms, him saying that for the coming week he wont be able to make time for me. i knew i felt hurt and upset in the dream, and cried in my dream, though i donno if i cried in my sleep. i did cry before at eme's place while sleeping, totally freaked her out. the dream felt so real..

when i did wake up, there was really an sms from zen, apologizing abt y-day. lucky he sms me first thing in the morning, if not i don think i'll forgive him that easily. then he asked me how come i din sms him last night. what the..!! i was speechless!! how can he be so oblivious to how i feel??

*sigh. there's still so much we donno abt each other.. patience.. patience..

2006-01-26T20:31:00.000-08:00

my honey's ego is really getting out of hand. the other day while we were talking, he said i shld be happy to intro him to my parents since his "tiao jian" is so good. he's not bad looking, he's educated, comes from a respectable family and is well-off. when he told me that i just can't help rolling my eyes. he really has a big ego, and he wasn't finished. he continues:" when ur mom knows all this and that i stay at waterside and have 2 cars, she'll immediately tell u to grab me." what the..

ok to tell the truth i did talk a little abt him to my mom, though not in a bf context, and my mom did tell me to grab him. but he doesnt have to sound all that knowing-all right. *really exasperated! then he was like u shld be happy i chose you. *dotz..

to prick a little of his ego, which was a must by the way, i told him i could have any fish in the water too, not necessarily him. and he was like ok then i'll have other fishes too. *bangs head agst the wall!!

sigh.. what can i do to prick his ego.. hmmmm/.. thinking hard..

2006-01-25T03:05:00.000-08:00

i feel so moody and tired nowadays. mom is coming back from thailand today and i'm experiencing withdrawal symtoms from zen already. i'll be sleeping alone again. how am i going to fall asleep now without him by my side? i'm also so afraid of becoming too clingy to him. i had to bite my tongue from being too mushy and also had to practically pinch my fingers to keep from sms-ing him all the time. sigh. it's getting harder and harder to stay away from him. i also don like the way he's testing me. he thinks i do not know but i do. he even admitted to eme he wants to test me and see my limit. so pissed! this kind of thing when u know a person more and more u'll naturally find out. why must he consciously do testing on such things? urgh!!

i'm also very glad for the fact that zen will nv know another guy held my hand. y-day when i casually asked him what would he do if he caught his gf's hand in another guy's, he answered that it'll be bye-bye. he said it clearly and when i protested and asked shouldn't he give his gf a chance to explain he said no. what's there to explain abt holding hands with another guy. whew! lucky me. nv again man. he doesnt even allow me to dance with another guy while clubbing. well, as for this, i'm not sure i'll follow thru it.

eme was with me when we saw the backstreet boys outside hyatt hotel! haha we're so lucky. and i was so pissed off abt eme trying to drag me away from them. another evidence abt my moodiness..

then went for a photo shoot with eme, and alicia came along too. i don't know why but i feel so ugly and having low self-esteem now. sigh. i'm just not pretty enough to meet the cut.

2006-01-22T06:10:00.000-08:00

so much has happened. last fri went clubbing with lyn, eme and her classmates. danced real close with this guy, J. it was ok with everyone until he held my hand. that was when i got those disapproving looks from my friends. it seems that dancing was fine but they drew the line at holding hands, holding hands constitute as cheating. well, i guess everyone's lines are drawn differently.

slept for only abt 2 hrs before we had to wake up again, because eme and i had volunteer work. haha i know, so surprising right, eme and i volunteering. well, this hardly happens. anyway even while doing community work eme can get picked up. this really proves her power man. LOL. the guy's also kinda cute.

then it was off to sentosa for suntanning today with lyn and eme. as usual, i was the one slapping on as much sunblock as possible, whereas eme was slapping on as much suntanning oil as she could, lyn was just neutral. haha.

damn tired. finally i am home tonight, alone.

2006-01-16T05:41:00.000-08:00

i miss zen. wish he was here with me. i'm feeling so tired and stressed out right now, i just feel like shutting the world out with all its commitments and go into hybernation mode. i'm spreading myself out too much i guess. eme says i should ask zen for help in planning my schedule cus he's good at such things but i guess not. how can anyone even organise anything for me when i have sessions which even clash with each other. such as today's dental appt and basic theory test, and tmr, i have to give tuition and attend night class, all on the same time slot. sigh. which shld i go for tmr?

sigh. it's just as well zen's not here to see the state i'm in. i not only feel shitty, i look shitty. knowing i had to be out the whole day today i could even forget to bring any make-up with me. that means no freshening up, which equals to looking like shit for the whole day. sigh.

as for today's basic theory test, i passed but unfortunately, eme failed again. poor girl, she was so sad and frustrated. dont worry girl i'm sure u can do it too, and soon. =)

2006-01-15T03:39:00.000-08:00

wow. the clubbing yesterday at liquid room was nice, as always. but in my mind, i don't feel as active anymore. maybe it's because i feel "attached" now? but he's now out of town and will be so till the 19th. hmmm. that means days of loneliness for me. of course, i considered picking out a dance partner hehe but too bad, the one who "picked" me just didn't have it. sigh. my friends were also criticizing me, saying how will zen feel if he knew i danced with another guy blah blah. it was just a dance girls. =P and when i made a casual barb about lyn not doing anything wrong if she were to have a bf in aus and s'pore, the stunned faces staring back at me was really a sight to behold! LOL.

we bumped into vanessa too, our cj classmate. havent seen her in ages and she does look good, as always. =)

anyway alicia and eme stayed over at my place for the night and we had some girl talk. really miss having girl talk hehe, though eme fell asleep halfway.

we spent a lazy day today. after eme left, alicia and i went grocery shopping and spent the rest of the day watching VCDs. i realize alicia and i have never done this before. the feeling is so nice!

tmr is going to be a busy busy day for me. there's sch, dental appt, basic theory test and night class. wish me luck for tmr, or rather, much needed energy and brain power. sigh.

2006-01-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

these few days have been crazy. all the commitments are coming back now that the new yr has started. sigh. oh yes and did i mention? Z and i are now together. =) so happy! hehe. everything's all so lovey-dovey right now but then again, isn't this the way things are supposed to be. we're still in the "honeymoon" period after all. haha. all my friends are saying i'm looking better, all radiant and glowing. haha thanks dearies. i guess love really makes a girl more beautiful.. hehe..

will be meeting up with eme, lyn, pea and shan later to celebrate shan's b-day. then clubbing at night with eme, lyn and alicia and the next day, eme and i are hitting the gym. i havent been working out for 3 days alr! that's counting today too. and this won't do!! know why? because eme and i have a little secret. hehe. shhhhhh!

my male classmate even commented i look really pretty these past few days. ohhh.. his flattery really makes this little heart of mine flutter. =P

2005-12-28T00:25:00.000-08:00

these few days have been a crazy whirlwind of social activities! gosh! and the amazing thing is that in between everything, i've managed to squeeze some time out for Z too! i've also managed to catch up with most of my friends! weeeee! spent xmas eve with eme, pea, ruiling, ruiyan, alicia, lyn and a few other friends. man, eme and i were out the whole day of xmas eve. we had to wake up early to get some stuff then went over to pea's hse to have bbq with a few of her other friends. hehe it was great fun. after which we went over to a hotel to celebrate countdown, where my other close girl friends joined us too! =) well, donno if u can even call it a countdown. it was pretty bad. news abt how bad it was even travelled to nity's ears. let's just say in the end the room was filled with drunkens and needless to say, it wasn't a pretty sight.

then spent xmas with eme, pea, shan and Z, though he joined us later.

so all my jc close friends have met Z and all proclaims him to be a nice guy. hehe i'm so glad. i want my close friends to like him too. he has been really good and attentive to me, though sometimes not in the way i like. as in, can u believe he actually calls me Princess Gong Gong?!!!!

anyway things are going pretty well between us. but the next time i can see him will only be next yr. sigh. actually i wonder how we're going to make this work. he has his work commitments and friend commitment, whereas me.. when my family comes back i will not be allowed to go out so late, i have my studies, i have my work, tuition and piano lesson. i seriously wonder how we're gonna squeeze time for each other..

2005-12-22T21:48:00.000-08:00

tired. eme and i have been going out for practically everyday. 2 nights ago, we clubbed with charlotte and regine and it was fun, as always! haha. havent seen regine for like donkey yrs. can't believe how much i miss mamasan. hehe. she looks better now too, with her hair longer and dyed. before we started clubbing we first took sooooo many pics! haha. and the thing was that every single person whom we asked to help us take a pic say we look fabulous together! haha. so happy! and what do u get when all the photo-whores get together? hundreds of pics! wahahaha ok that's an exaggeration. we clubbed at momo first, taking advantage of the free entry and free drinks there first before hopping over to ministry of sound (MOS). it was our first time there and charlotte showed us ard. wow. the layout is nice and the place super huge, with escalators and the different rooms playing different kinds of music.

in the end, i was glad that Z did not come along. he gives me freedom and trusts me. i like that. unlike D. i think he doesnt trust me or rather, he prefers to guard over possessively, because he even came down when i was clubbing with friends.

the yesterday was lyn's b-day and we celebrated at starbucks for her. took lots of pics too!

then eme and i went bowling at marina with annhui and his friend, ryan. haha. my first ball was a strike and ryan was so mean. he was telling annhui if i strike he'll take off his pants! haha. of course he didn't. we formed teams. first, me with annhui and eme with ryan then we switched partners. haha. proud to say, i'm always in the winning team. LOL. missed Z though because he had wanted to bowl with me but it had been too late. he had to work today.

nvm. so now eme and i have to stay home today, at least for a day. we have been going out everyday and it's not nice. hmmmm. nvm rest day! haha. Z has a friend gathering and work today anyway.

tmr is going to be fun also! christmas eve celebration and countdown!

my parents has also been calling me from thailand this morning and yesterday morning. i have been suffering from sore throat and my parents thought smth happened to me. my mom was so worried, asking me why my voice sounded like that and what happened to me. i miss them so much. this morning my mom called and told me she miss me very much and was worried for me. she told me she loves me and even cried. she misses our dog too. i felt sad too. i cant help but feel that smth is up. my parents called at eight plus this morning! that makes it seven plus in thailand. don know why they wake up so early for. smth must really be up. so after the emotional phone call, i texted my father asking him if everyone was fine, and what abt my siblings. he replied everything is fine, as expected. they'll tell me that even though it isn't true.

sigh......................................

2005-12-18T09:04:00.000-08:00

great.

my horoscope of the day tells me the right guy is not coming for me.

i also went to see a fortune-teller with eme this afternoon and the reading is i'll have luck and everything will go well for me EXCEPT my love life! he said i'll have many bfs and they'll really love me but all of them will not be good and will be all wrong for me! and i can't keep them for long. this is sooooo true of my boyfriends up to now. sigh. so i guess the fortune-teller's right. he said there is smth blocking my way to happiness in the love dept. *sob.

so i guess i shld be grateful that Z and i are now just friends and we din jump into a relationship eh? because whatever boyfriends i'm to have simply will not last!

sigh. this is just great.

went to sing kbox with eme for 5 hrs! haha. cus they din chase us out. hehe. we did have fun singing la, esp the last song when we sang the song whenever, wherever by shakira. eme said we sound like a bitch. dotz. LOL.

lyn's back alr! omg. miss this sweet darling soooo much!

hmmmm Z.. i miss him too.. but my emotions are now in such a turmoil, i don trust myself to talk to him anymore. when he sms-ed me tonight, i din even know what to say. so confused. so i din reply. sigh. breaks my heart to leave him alone even though he sms-ed me but i'm too confused right now. not thinking straight. don wanna say anything to him that'll make me regret later. i don want all this to spoil it all. my emotional unstability, the fate that i have for not being able to keep my bfs. i'd rather have him as a friend and keep loving him like this now even if i have to live miserably than to have him as a bf for only a short period of time and not being able to keep him..

and what of my emotions? i'm always so scared i'm revealing too much of myself to him. sigh. if nth else, i still want to have my pride and dignity. no way do i wanna appear vulnerable to him.

2005-12-16T22:06:00.000-08:00

wweeeee! finally met Z last night, after my first day of work working at chijmes with eme. we planned to meet at the big gold christmas tree outside raffles city and eme claimed that it was romantic. hehe. i nv realised that until she said it. while waiting to cross the traffic light, eme spotted him first because my back was towards him but i was too embarrassed to turn ard and told her not to joke with me. shit. and eme says she thinks he heard me that's why he did not dare approach me first. anyway the moment i approached him and we met up, there was this grp of ppl holding balloons of blue and silver behind us counting 1,2,3 before letting the balloons fly. wow. it was such a pretty sight! we just stood there and watched for a while. it was a really nice and romantic meeting. hehe.

i brought him to secret garden, which is the reason me and eme were late for work. i wanted to make sure i knew where the place is be4 bringing him there. uncle ronnie, the manager there, actually remembers me and eme. hehe. and now, he also knows zen. hehe. zen and i were sitting together side by side. and whether uncle ronnie knows it or not, he also helped in a little matchmaking. hehe. he was like saying zen's my honey so i dont need honey for my drink. wahahaha. and the thing was, zen din deny or say anything! he was smiling! weeee! good sign. hehe. uncle ronnie keep coming over to chat with us and sit beside eme because he says he doesnt want her to so obviously feel that she's the lamp post. haha. and he also din say anything. just laughed. really good-natured guy. we also took a pic together. hehe. at eme's request. but i thought it was too soon la. first meeting only. few mins of meeting only. but nvm, he didn't mind too. he said yes so fast while i was still fidgeting uncomfortably and saying it wasn't necessary.

then we went to play pool where alicia recommended to us. nice place, nice ambience. his pool playing skills are so damn good but he was really nice. when he was playing with me he gimme chance. hehe. and when i can't reach the ball when i playing agst eme, he helped me by putting his hand on the pool table as a stand and my ball went in!! hehe! see? us combined have such good results! hehe!

after pool he drove us to lao pa sat for supper before seeing us home. really nice guy, really easy-going. i hope my instincts are right. that he is into me.

after reaching home when we were sms-ing each other, he said i look cute in real life! hehe. but donno if he means it or not. hmmmm.

then he sms-ed me again this morning. i miss him alr. donno when will i see him again..

2005-12-14T23:19:00.000-08:00

yesterday had really been a crazy day and crazy night. first, me and eme got up "early" to suntan at sentosa. well, just her suntanning and me accompanying her. hehe. while lying down and relaxing, right after i hung up my phone with D, i got an sms from Z that he was flying back to s'pore now! imagine how my heart pounded! it came as such a shock! i was screaming away and acting all hysterical. i miss him so much. and when he sms-ed to say see me soon, that he'll arrive at s'pore by 10pm, and that he miss me, my heart melted even more. he did not forget me.

i'm now trying so desperately to cling to any hope he has given me because even though he was supposed to have arrived last night, i havent received any call or sms from him. WHY?!?!

suddenly everyone is coming back to me. there's Z who's alr back. there's D. and you'll nv believe this but so is Y, the chinablack guy. he just went in for ns and i thought he would have forgotten me but nooooo! he suddenly called me up yesterday to tell me that he'll be booking out this fri and wants to see me. gosh. all the mess but Z, the one i want, hasnt contacted me yet!

anyway yesterday after i got the sms from Z, i did not want to accompany eme in her suntanning anymore. i do not want to get any darker! esp. not when i knew that Z was on his way back! haha i know i'm mean but i'm so sorry. must understand my situation. hehe.

then last night, eme and i met up with nity, kelvin, alicia, charlotte, ruiling and ruiyan. we were clubbing at momo's and were a little high. then we (charlotte, eme and me) club-hopped over to zouk. D was there to fetch us and waited for us and all. i better tell him straight soon. sigh.

and eme's aunt wants to intro her son to me. i can't and i don't want to do anything to her cousin. i'll hurt him and there are so many things abt me that ppl dont know. they tell me he's good and all. all the more i wanna run for the door. because i know, i'm not a good girl.

2005-12-11T03:28:00.000-08:00

omg i only just remembered i have sch tmr!! yes, sch is commencing for me, starting tmr. sianzzzz.

went clubbing with nity, alicia, ruiling and kelvin last night at liquid room . wwooo! first time club with them. hehe. and it has been really fun guys, though i left a little earlier. met up with D who picked me up and later, eme and pea. then we went to watch a super late night movie, or rather, early morning. LOL. 3.50am~ we only got home ard 6am. watched the descent. quite a nice show. gruesome, horrible, and with mutiple shocks. well, for me anyway. hehe.

meeting up with D again tmr. i know i'm playing with fire. sigh. after tmr, i'll avoid him. hope he gets it.

2005-12-09T09:45:00.000-08:00

feel so frustrated. trying to get things done but the ppl who got prob and busy are the ones stalling and stalling. i give up. tired of asking and asking and always facing a don know blah blah ans. bloody irritating!

10 more days before zen is back. there is also the possiblity that he'll be back before the 20th. can't wait. the ultimate happiness he can give me is if he calls me from the airport. it'll show how much he cares, even if the coversation is cold. i don care. whatever. i'll take whatever he gives me.

haha and eme really made my day end well. was so frustrated abt everything today. then she gave me this fabulous idea. go see the profiles of zen's friends and see if there are any pics of zen. zen never updates his pics on friendster. and sure enough, there were numerous pics. so cute.

2005-12-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

so happy! lyn is back in s'pore from aus! eme and i met up with lyn today and did so much catching up. haha. and it's such a good thing that blogs are invented because it is a really good way of keeping each other updated on each other's life. she does know quite a lot abt what's been going on with us. hehe. and she keep complaining she fat! pls lah girl.. u so skinny.. no need to worry.. hehe..

now waiting for one more person. Z. hmmm. really wonder how will things turn out when he comes back.

totally embarrassed myself last night. was gone. it's my first feeling of how it's like to have a hangover. you'll just feel like puking the whole day, stomach lurching all the while, trying to get you to throw up. bad. and the heavy supper before the drinking did not help matters too.

what eme, pea and i ate for supper altogether:
1. 2 plates of fried kuay teow
2. 1 plate of hokkien mee
3. 1 plate of carrot cake
4. 1 sting ray
5. 1 plate of satay
6. 1 plate of mee goreng
7. 6 chicken wings

ended up crying again. really stupid. and for what? sigh.

so yesterday was supper and clubbing. yes i know. crazy, clubbing on a monday. haha. it was actually more of chilling out.

today met up with lyn with eme.

tmr meeting D for supper, eme tagging along too. hehe. convinced her that it will save us lots of money. because both of us added together would be fares of 2 bus trips and 2 mrt rides. haha. i knew this will get to her. haha ok i know. I'M MEAN! wahahaha.

anyway really looking forward to thurs!! weeee. hehe. it's been soooooo long since the five of us all got together! pea, eme, hs, lyn and finally.. MUAH.. wahahaha..

then sat getting together with fishy, lingz and nity for clubbing at liquid room. yes i know.. it's becoming my regular place~ wahahaha but seriously i just can't help it! the place is good! it'll be the first time we club with each other. like wow.

ok eme and i are like talking and saying how we're really gonna go broke. literally broke. we'd better watch it on the expenses. hmmmm. i hope D treats us for tmr's supper.. OMG!! i'm mean!

2005-12-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

just came back from thailand yesterday and eme was there waiting for me. when i got off the plane, i immediately called her and she actually cried! haha silly girl! then when i was ready and walked out the glass doors to meet her, both of us didn't know how to react even though we had missed each other so much. haha but in the end we exchanged a long and emotional hug. haha so touched she came to fetch me. first time a friend came to pick me frm the airport. she also managed to find her way around the airport. accomplishment for her, considering how bad with directions she is. haha she was also so happy and feeling so smart. LOL.

then we went to her house, had dinner and unpacked all the stuff with excitement. we were going to Liquid Room and she wanted to wear her new black blouse but her mother did not allow it, saying she should keep some new clothes for CNY. haha so funny. and eme kept trying to come up with excuses to wear the black top.

when we got to Liquid Room we met some of eme's friends and while there, eme managed to dance with this really cute Eurasian guy. but i feel bad la. she got bf already and i like still encourage her with him.

while walking past O Bar after leaving Liquid Room someone called out a hi to me but i seriously didn't hear it and didn't know. i ended up looking damn dao and just continuing me conversation with eme and it was only later that she laughingly told me what happened.

overall it is fun being with this gong gong girl la haha. and i'm gonna be stuck with her for abt a mth..!! literally. haha.

2005-12-02T00:56:00.000-08:00

oh man so many things have happened.

1. i've gained a horrifying 3kg!! i now weigh a freaking 51kg!! *faintz.

2. i've learnt how to play golf. played it twice already and my mother says i'm not bad at the game but i seem so lazy while playing it. she's not wrong. i feel so bored playing golf. seriously i find the game so boring. what's so fun and exciting abt trying to hit a golf ball as far as u can. i can nv hit past the 100m mark anyway and you know why? because i'm always so afraid that if i use too much strength i'll just swing myself off the 2nd storey! there's just smth abt heights i don't like, and having no railing of any kind to protect me while i'm swinging the golf club near the edge is enough to freak me out.

3. i've got my thai smart card! hmmm. singapore's not using it yet dont know why. i thought s'pore always wanted to be the most tech-advanced in everything? and looking at the pic i took for my thai ID, i realise i really look like a thai local. freaky. no wonder sometimes ppl can't tell that i'm chinese. and i get highly offended when ppl can't. anyway i'll be holding 2 national citizenship. got to choose when i reach 21. that's only 2 years away!! my parents of course want me to choose thai citizenship. hmmmm. i..... i just don wanna think abt this right now. hmmmm. donno if i still have to fill up the immigration form the next time i fly to thailand. haha.

4. did i mention? my parents ordered a pool table! weeeee! imagine! u can play pool in ur own home anytime u want! hmmm it's just too bad that i'm not always in thailand.

ok this summarises what has been happening during my stay in thailand. weeeeee. tmr morning shall go to chatuchuk (weekend market) to get the caps eme's bro wants. shall buy many many i think. haha. the reason i waited so long to get the caps is because it is the cheapest there! only 150 baht each!! that's only 6 sing dollars!! freaking cheap! and so many brands somemore, billabong, callaway............

weeeee! will be back in singapore tmr by evening.

2005-11-30T20:00:00.000-08:00

wow. now in thailand. just downloaded msn. just signed in after so many freaking days. and i see Z. it's been so long. i didn't think we'll talk until he approached me! couldn't believe my eyes. but i'm no longer the foolish girl. he told me he got back his results and has managed to graduate. i was long ago sure he will. he also asked me lots of questions. but it doesn't matter. anything he says to me means nth to me now. oh i'm such a pathetic liar..

he's an idiot. after being out of my life for so long, he comes back again. only to make me cry again!

after many freaking days of not logging in, i find that so much has changed! looks like eme has really progressed with her new bf and pea!! ur blog conveys the feeling of being lost! she was like 'where is everyone'. poor girl. i miss you guys so much. 2 more days!

i was so happy. everytime i tot i've let go and become strong, Z comes back. idiot!! i was so happy in thailand and now that he's back, he only brings the tears back, washing away what happiness i may have found without him..

2005-11-24T22:51:00.000-08:00

met up with eme and pea today and had a great day! we went singing at KBox, followed by lunch at pizza and taking neoprints which turned out to be quite nice. while eating at pizzahut, we made an auntie waitress and a young male waiter afraid of us. haha. but it's their fault!! pea's order was super slow in coming! haha. it was our intention to frighten them anyway. LOL. mean girls!

i'll be flying back to thailand tmr and will be back on 3rd dec. i also know that when i come back, there's gonna be loads of fun in store for me! haha. i feel excited and happy but at the same time, i can't help feeling a little sad because when i come back to s'pore, i can't go home, and will not be able to for abt a mth due to renovations being done at my place. i know it's stupid to feel sad but i just can't help thinking i'll be all alone when i come back because the rest of my family will still be at thailand. and worse, besides being all alone, i don't even have a home to go back to! i can't even go back home to collect stuff if i've forgotten to pack smth. i'm feeling quite lost. now, the full impact of it all is sinking in when i finally saw how empty the hse is. everything has been packed into boxes, the walls have been stripped bare of pics and the kitchen barren. *sob. i just can't help feeling so alone deep down. that's not all! when i get back, i won't even get to see my beloved dog! it'll be stuck at some stupid farm. *sobs louder!

i also feel so bad abt imposing on eme and her family. thanks a lot girl.. and to ur family..

2005-11-24T00:49:00.000-08:00

I Want to Break Free

i want to break free
i want to break free
i want to break free from your lies
you're so self-satisfied i don't need you
i've got to break free

i've fallen in love
i've fallen in love for the first time
and this time i know it's for real
i've fallen in love, yeah
God knows, God knows i've fallen in love

it's strange but it's true
hey, i can't get over the way you love me like you do
but i have to be sure
when i walk out that door
oh how i want to be free, baby
oh how i want to be free
oh how i want to break free

but life still goes on
i can't get used to living without, living without
lying without you by my side
i don't want to live alone, hey
God knows, got to make it on my own
so baby can't you see
i've got to break free

i've got to break free
i want to break free, yeah
i want, i want, i want, i want to break free
ooh yeah
i want to break

2005-11-24T00:20:00.000-08:00

my sis wants me to post this:

jolene has such a wonderful sister.

haha.

2005-11-21T23:10:00.000-08:00

oh gawd. i've been freaking out everyone around me with my recent eating habits, even feeling freaked out myself. let's start with today.

what i ate today-
breakfast: 2 fried eggs
lunch: spagetti
tea-break: 1 packet of instant noodles
supper: 2 packet of instant noodles, 1 plain piece of bread, 1/2 cup of milk

i totally freaked my sister out when i was eating supper. she was staring at me in shock and watching me eat and she went 'err jie.. is anything wrong? are u upset? do u wanna see the doc?' haha. and the stupid thing was after my gigantic meal i was laughing like a mad woman, like getting drunk with too much food to eat or smth. you shld have seen my sister's face. haha. a sight to rem! LOL. even my maid is noticing how weird i'm becoming. hmmm..

then a few days ago i totally freaked eme out. after getting back from clubbing, i had supper eating 1 packet of instant noodles. then upon waking up, i ate 1 huge plate of bee hoon and 1 big bowl of porridge. eme was like asking me 'err u very hungry eh?'

then when i was working one night during night shift, i ate 2 paos and 6 siew mais. totally freaked out my colleague. that was after dinner, mind you. she was like ' wow u eat a lot considering what a skinny person you are.' and she looked at me enviously. well, nth to be envious abt. i'll grow fat when i eat too much, just like everybody else! and i'm growing fat now! *groans from the weight of the accumulated fats in my body.

fat fat fat. what my mom will say the next time she sees me.. she'll just look at me with disapproval and say i've become fat!! which is the truth anyway.

2005-11-21T14:45:00.000-08:00

Bleed

well, it's been almost a year to the moment
when i finally realised it was over
and i knew that love wasn't good enough
of a reason for me to stay
well, i saw you yesterday; you were driving
and i tried so hard to forget
you were alive, and as you passed by i began to cry
over things that i did not say

and hide underneath my blankets and sheets
i'm finally free
i'm killing the ghost of you, and i'm close to
awakening me

yeah, yeah
so i'm taking my heart and i'm getting me out
and love's something that i wouldn't wanna live without
so i'm taking my heart and i'm getting me out
on my own, my own, my own

well it takes all of my strength to be stable
and i force your insults under the table
and if you were wise you would compromise
and allow me to live my way
cus i am not a force to be reckoned with
and you dont have a clue what you're messing with
and you can't see to the best in me
cus it's more than your heart can take

i'm taking my heart and i'm setting you free
and baby, now you're just another song to me
and the edge of your sword isn't sharp enough for me
to bleed

i've finally realised. his heart is too cold to ever really understand me. i feel things, i'm sensitive, and he never was to begin with and nv will be, at least not to my depths. he may be affectionate at times but sometimes, at moments, i feel that he's doing those affectionate things mechanically, saying the sweet words mechanically, just skimming the surface of the courtship, nv really feeling emotions to the same depths as i did. he can never see to the best in me, because whatever i give, he can't feel. and the emotional rollar coaster ride he's taking me in, it's just not worth it. i'm letting go. he's losing his grip on me. and when my love finally freezes, that's when it'll be too late. even if he lets me in after that, it can't be revived anymore, because my love has already died from the coldness.

2005-11-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

urgh!! i've had it with possessive and clingy guys! ok, maybe i'll try to be more tolerant if you're my bf and i really love you but if you are no one to me, i'd prefer it if u'd just buzz off! urgh! ruined my chance with a nice guy!

went to liquid room last night with eme and C, and C was sooooo protective of me and i felt so irritated by his conduct. his actions reminded me of my most recent ex and that's a complete turn off already by itself, not that he had any chance to begin with anyway. there was this guy who stuck behind me for very long on the dance floor, without making any approach, and i supposed this must have been a nice guy cus he obviously did not dare make an approach. but C was so irritated, he practically punched the guy away!! he was so possessive that at that moment i really felt like screaming! i'll hook up with anyone there except you!! i argued my point with C and all he had to say was 'i just didn't like him with you'. URGH!! you're the one who's supposed to buzz off! C tried to dance with me many times too but i just did not want to! he tried to make eye contact with me too and got so touchy! YUCKS!! eme helped me out last night. thnks girl.

while there we also met melvin and shannon. melvin was also very irritated with C and because C was so protective of me, he even thought C is my bf! PUKE!! eme helped set the record straight man. oh puh-leaze! melvin also said he could tell C likes me. that's the best part man. cus after that night C sms-ed me the 3 words! PUKE!! nvm. just waiting for him to disappear from my life. just like one did cus of eme's mean testi. haha! *winks.

we were also supposed to meet eme's friend ben, who turned out to be a total jerk! scored with so many girls in front of us. dotz. nth to say.

and it was only last night that eme knew there's music in her blog. *faintz. really gong! haha!

liquid room is the best clubbing place we had ever been to. great music plus other incentives.

eme and i met pea just now. even though it was only for a short while, we just had to meet up to share things with each other. haha. we're just too sticky man. cannot tahan! LOL. love you girls, muacks!

today also marks exactly 1 mth before Z is due to be back in s'pore. i'm so afraid he won't call, that he won't bother to look for me but both pea and eme do not feel the same as i do. both of them sounded so confident when they told me that he'll come for me. i pray that they're right. i admit, i do love to flirt, i do love my freedom, i do love having fun, but for him, i am willing to settle down, to remain faithful to only him. all he has to do is just accept this gift i'm offering to him, to come for it..

2005-11-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

kisses..

kisses are meant to be warm, but instead, they left me feeling even colder than ever.

my emotions did not stir, my senses did not heighten, my heart did not pound, i did not feel my breathe catch in my throat and the world did not stop spinning.

it was then that i realise. the kisses only touched me on the outside, but never inside, never in the heart, where it matters most.

2005-11-17T16:00:00.000-08:00

spent practically the whole day with eme yesterday. met her after her paper outside her sch and she told me the embarrassments she'd been through that morning. haha. 1st, she wore her spagetti top front to back and back to front in public without even realising it! haha omg! if i were in her shoes, i'd have no mood to sit for my exam paper anymore and would have probably died of embarrassment before making it to sch! 2nd, her gushing abt how much she loves shane in her blog circulated among the crowd in her sch, and of course, she had to face the music (the teasing). haha.

we had lunch together and while shopping after lunch at orchard, we were suddenly blocked by 2 guys who came to stand right in front of us, converging from both sides just like that. they were taller and bigger and right in front of us, and unless we bulldozed thru them, we were trapped. there we were, blocked by 2 promoters and the guy in front of me asked me 'are u frm SP?' siao. i bet he frm SP thats why he asked that and the other guy in front of eme asked 'are u girls local?' they threw us so many questions, we felt a little dazed and stunned from them all. they also asked what sch are we from and are we working blah blah and i was getting really annoyed and kept quiet but eme!! standing innocently there, tried to ans their questions like 'oh we're from private uni' and i tried to send her a look that would tell her to just shut up. finally i saw my opening! when the guy in front of eme got down to asking if we wanna open a savings a/c of smth like like, i said quite cheerfully that we dont save and attempted to walk away or bulldoze thru whatever it took. luckily both let way and the guy in front of eme was laughing and said 'you very fake leh'. yaya whatever! and i dragged eme away, all the while scolding her for being so gong! haha nvm. retard stage no. 4 liao. must understand. haha. ok i'm mean.

after my night class i met up with eme again to go clubbing at chinablack and annhui came along too. so there i was dancing when suddenly annhui went up to a guy to talk to him and i realised!! freaking hell! it was the same guy who tried to pick me up a few mths ago at chinablack too! freaking coincidence! and annhui was like pointing at me and jokingly asking him 'hey u rem my friend jolene or not?' and he was laughing and saying ya. and then both of them suddenly turned to me and asked 'where are ur braces?' *faintz. i felt like punching both guys.

and the funny thing was i met him this second time at the same spot on the dance floor. ok, so we danced together and suddenly, i realised that the song playing was uncomfortably familiar so i told him 'this song sounds familiar' and he said 'yes, it's the same song that we got to know each other what rem?' *faintz. freaking hell at the time i was thinking this is so freaky man. here we are, at the same place, same spot, same song playing. ok so i kept quiet and just danced when suddenly, he grabbed hold of my hand and said we need to talk. ok i hate it when ppl put it that way. sounds so serious. we need to talk. so i motioned eme to tell her i was going off for a while and allowed him to drag me to a quieter spot and we talked things out. he asked how come i nv sms him or anything because when we first got to know each other, we had a date and we sms-ed often and he even told me in one sms 'next time give me an sms at least once a day so that i wont miss you so much' but obviously i did not and i forgot what i answered. i think i jus kept quiet. what was i supposed to say? ohh i'm just not into you? sounds mean. and he was saying how he thought abt me esp. after now that he has finished his 'A's but he was afraid to contact me after all this while. hmmm. and all the while he was saying that, i wasn't thinking abt him but abt zen. i was thinking what what he is saying is true, then maybe zen feels the same, esp. now that he has finished his exams but he just dont know how to get ard to contacting me.

sigh. C thinks i'm a fool. he said smth that really stuck to my mind. he told me, when a guy really cares for a girl, he will not want to make the girl worry and would try as much as possible not to make the girl wait.

2005-11-14T15:10:00.000-08:00

My Karmic Love Reading. So True..

You tend always to be in a relationship, or if you're single for a period of time, you are quite conscious of that fact and spend a significant amount of time looking for and wishing you could find a mate. You do not like to be alone; you prefer to spend time with people -- and yet you can grow irritated easily when you feel overwhelmed by the attentions of a lover.

You may notice a pattern in your romantic relationships in which you keep getting involved with lovers who push you to make decisions, even though doing so can make you quite uncomfortable. You like things to be harmonious and easy and you tend to avoid conflict. If you notice a pattern of getting into relationships that are characterized in some way by conflict, relationships that have seemed more difficult than they should have been, it may be that you need to examine your own fears to find the source of your attraction to such influences.

It is likely that in a prior life, you were submissive in your relationships and allowed your mate to make all the important decisions -- perhaps with disastrous effects, at least to your sense of self. You were able to attract lovers simply by being your charming, attractive self -- and so you neglected your other attributes, such as kindness and intelligence, which last long after beauty fades.

oh my gawd this is so true. i'm always jumping from one relationship to another and seem to be always attached and it is only finally, recently that i made to the decision to remain single. even so, hmmm.. my heart is still flying everywhere. haha. and i really hate it when a partner gets too clingy with me (read last sentence of 1st para). wow. scary. so accurate. ya i know.. i'm such a contradiction. haha.

hmmm as for noticing a pattern in my relationships, i don notice any pattern! the first one had been awkward, the second dull and stagnant, the third full of conflicts and possessiveness. no i don see any pattern..

2005-11-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

went to the movies with my family, minus my sis, to watch Tom Yum Goong. minus my sis cus it's NC-16. it's a really great show. funny and touching. and it was nice to be out catching a movie with my family. now thinking abt it, i can't even rem the last time we went out to catch a movie together. it must have been a really long time ago.

eme and pea called me up yesterday to tell me that they got second ear piercings. haha. crazy girls. they just spontaneously decided to do it.

i don wanna work at 7-11 anymore cus it's really tiring and i don have the energy or stamina to give. and it turns out, it was my colleague who signed the damned document! idiot la. still can blame me. i hate this kind of people. anyway since i told them i don want to wotk anymore, i knew they'll still call me up yesterday and they did! i thought it was my branch manager T.C. so when my hp started ringing with an unfamiliar no. on display, i did not ans. give me so many missed calls! the guy even called my home! lucky i told my bro before he answered to say that i'm not home. then i decided not to be the coward and just talk to him nicely so i called back the no. i was talking to him, saying how sorry i am blah blah and when i said sorry again T.C. the guy suddenly say he not T.C.!! *faintz. he was laughing at me and when he told me he's Z.B. my heart pounded. he's another branch's manager but we worked together once during night shift and he's a really funny and cute guy. he taught me all that i knew, abt working in 7-11 i mean. hmmm./ i have a little fondness for him therefore the pounding of my heart hehe.

when he told me who he was, i was so shocked, i couldn't speak. i had thought i'll nv see him or hear from him again after that night of working with him. when i found out he was to be relocated to another branch, i was a little upset. and there i was at that moment, talking on the fone with him and hearing his cheerful voice and laughter. he must have been afraid i didn't rem him from my silence and proceeded merrily to remind me that we worked together. all this i heard while i tried to get my bearings together and at the same time, i'm flattered he remembers me (and how can i forget?). haha. ok silly me. his horoscope is also aquarius. *sigh.

after all the chit chat and stuff i still stuck to my decision, regretfully telling him that i can no longer help out. there! another minor chapter of my life closed.

being happy with perfect results does not mean i can rest on my laurels. people always say "don rest on ur laurels" but hey, laurels are such nice places to rest, i love resting on my laurels! wahahaha. ok enough nonsense. i can't rest on my laurels because i got to hand up my criminal law assignment this wed which consists of 4 essay questions! this time i'm really dead! gonna get fried! donno from fried nerves or being fried by the lecturer though. haha okok i shall be serious. deadline: this wed, which is technically only 2 days away. my accomplishment: 1 ques done in the past 2 weeks. work left to be done: 3 questions in 2 days!! shit.

2005-11-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

eme sent me a really nice forwarded sms this morning abt thinking of you the moment i wake up so without thinking, i forwarded it to zen. shortly after that, he replied! i was quite surprised actually but his sms got me so upset that i ended up calling eme in tears, frightening her. the reason why i was upset? he called me 'jol'!! yes i know, only ppl close to me call me jol so i shld be happy, right? wrong! he used to only use endearments to address me and suddenly, it's 'jol'!! he's taking a step back, of course i was upset. i was so upset, i did not reply. it was only later in the evening that i did. cold and vague, which required no reply. that way, i won't get hurt again.

after one month of not contacting and this is all we have to say to each other.

also, i don know if it's my imagination or what but everytime i'm online, zen will sign off after a while. fine. i get the hint.

this is really too much for me. this time, i'm signing him out of my life for real, for good! from today onwards, if i ever talk abt zen or anything, i allow my friends to slap me and get me to shut up. i've also blocked him over msn, for good. eme is really going to enjoy the job of slapping me man. today she really wanted to slap me for getting upset over zen's sms. haha. but pea understood where i was coming from. he's really not worth my tears and i'm now choosing to give him up. bye zen.

great. new start.

went out with eme and pea today. sang at kbox and went to have dinner at fish and co. it was great fun and i managed to get thoughts of zen pushed aside for a while. pea chose some really funny chi songs that got all of us all tickled.

i met up with eme first and when i saw her, she was damn pissed. turns out some "ginnas" (small kids) were trying to pick her up!! haha. some sec 4 boys in sch uniform. eme was damn shocked and when eme told them sorry and that she's already 20, they thought she was jk with them and laughed, saying that they're 21. that got eme real pissed and she scolded them the f word and walked off. and their reaction? "whoa!" haha. stupids! i was laughing at their stupidity as eme told me huffily what happened! so funny!

my tuition student did not really do well for her end-of-yr exams. sigh.

eng: 57/95
math: 58/80

i feel so bad, but also so powerless to comfort her. she got me so worried when she sms-ed me telling me that she wasn't home yet when it was already quite late. i've decided. i'm not going to give up. i'm going to do my best to make sure she improves. i'm going to be more active. find more ways for me to help her improve. hopefully, everything turns out right. i don wanna give up so easily, unless they are the ones who choose to terminate me.

when it was time for me to go home, pea and eme accompanied me to my bus stop and waited for my bus with me. =)

that was when we started on being mean.. again! haha. pea said smth and eme and me reprimanded her for being mean, after which me and eme continued contributing even more comments, even more mean than pea's! haha. it was funny.

thnks girls.

i just got my result slip. Verdict: all As!!!!!!

weeee! i've nv seen such perfect results be4! wahahaha. i'm so happy.

this sums up my results before i start 2nd yr on dec 12: 3 As and 3 Bs for 1st yr.

2005-11-10T15:10:00.000-08:00

changed my blog add. *sob. i love my previous blog, not that i don like this one. my ex has been reading my blog and zen has the add, so i couldnt really gush abt zen without my ex seeing it and getting upset and zen seeing it and puking at the other side of the screen right?

i am soooo dead! why? because some document in my workplace has gone missing during my shift when there was only me and another colleague. both of us has forgotten who signed wat and where the bloody thing is but my colleague told kaiwen it's probably me, she said that in front of kaiwen and eileen which got him pissed because she was pushing the blame to me! bloody hell! and the freaking thing is, i don rem anything!! shit. it's probably me la, being as blur as i am.

kaiwen has also confessed he likes me. he did not exactly confess; i asked and he admitted, "ya lor" so casually and said, "then u be my baobei lor.."

*puke. i was like, "wat?!?!?!?! no way!!" and scolded him crazy.

sigh. i'm still waiting and missing zen!! why am i so stupid?! urgh!! it's been a mth!! his exams are already over!! and he has probably already forgotten me..

also, i've made an impt decision. no more flings for me. no more being with guys who i already know in my heart i don like and that we can nv be. i shall now wait. even if zen isn't the one, i'm sure i can get over him over time and continue to wait for the one true love. who ever said single isn't in? i don want to indulge in meaningless escapades anymore.

my student recently got me pissed. she can keep sms-ing me the whole day and give me like 10 missed calls if i failed to pick up my phone. and being busy as i was the past few days, such behaviour was really pissing me off but i tried to hold on to my temper. i nv realised she can be that clingy. her contacting me is also not always abt questions to ask but also to tell me abt how difficult the exams are and how dead she is going to be, or, even before the paper, she'd give me a call and tell me how afraid she is and i'll have to act the part of the sympathetic counsellor and try to put her at ease. being busy and stress, it's only natural that i was feeling a little impatient to all this. i don rem being like this to any tutor i ever had in the past.

but then again, she is so honest with her actions, like, she's openly affectionate when she likes you. hmmm. that's one thing nice abt being with kids. they have such refreshingly honest reactions. what u see is what u get. no games. she is so unlike me in this way. i'll nv allow myself to cross the boundaries this way even if i had allowed myself to get close to you. if you're my tutor, u teach. simple as that.

i tried to tell her nicely that next time if she wants to get me, giving me a missed call will do. i'll get back to her as soon as i'm free, and she said the reason she gave me so many missed calls was because she was afraid i was avoiding her. *faintz. i was like, "why would i do that?" and her response was just a shrug.

i was curious abt smth so i asked her if she was this close to her previous tutor as she is to me and she said no and told me how fierce and unapproachable her previous tutor was. i was appalled. poor girl. no wonder she keeps trying to get close to me and even wants me to stay back a while after lessons so that she can chat with me!! yes.. i guess she's lonely..

she's a funny little thing. sometimes i can't stand her but in my heart, i know she has already grown on me.

skipped night class yesterday and met up with eme. shopped, went through some astrology books at kinokuniya then settled at Starbucks for a while before heading to the supermarket and going home. haha. shocked to see eme without make-up. first thing i said when i saw her wasn't hi or hey girl or the usual stuff. instead, i greeted her with a stunned face and a blunt ques, "how come u're without make-up??"

haha. my reaction got her freaked out and made her all the more worried that she looked ugly. haha. girl u're nv ugly la.. so pretty. =P